Apple’s AI Decides Journalism Is Overrated, Just Makes S#&% Up
For centuries, journalism has relied on a sacred pact: reporters meticulously gather facts, editors painstakingly verify them, and readers occasionally skim the article before angrily commenting on Facebook. But Apple’s new artificial intelligence has boldly reimagined this process by cutting out all the exhausting truthfulness and just saying whatever the hell it feels like.
In a stunning innovation in misinformation, Apple’s AI-generated news summaries helpfully informed iPhone users that Rafael Nadal was gay (breaking news to Nadal, his wife, and presumably all of Spain), that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had been arrested (Israeli citizens could only dream), and that accused murderer Luigi Mangione had shot himself (he hasn’t—reportedly alive and quite confused). It even announced that Pete Hegseth, a man not serving as U.S. Secretary of Defense, had resigned from the position he never held.
Understandably, the BBC was less than thrilled when its articles became abstract works of fiction, with reports now reading like rejected first drafts of a deranged political thriller. One user described experiencing “a full-blown existential crisis” after checking BBC alerts. “At first, I thought I entered some sort of alternate timeline where none of this was happening,” said Karen Wilkins, an average doomscroller. “Then I realized, nope, Apple just has no f#&%ing idea what’s going on.”
Apple, as is tradition, responded with an apology so vague it could have been generated by the very AI in question. “We are deeply committed to the accuracy of information and the integrity of journalism,” the company said, while rapidly shutting down every function related to its rogue AI like a scientist regretting his creation in a sci-fi horror film.
Experts warn this blunder highlights a bigger issue: AI hallucinations, a cute term for what used to be called “lying through its teeth.” However, late-stage capitalism has now decided that instead of fixing the problem, we should just keep feeding these systems more money and responsibility. A spokesperson for Apple assured everyone, “We will continue improving Apple Intelligence, ensuring that future totally-made-up news will at least be creative.”
In the meantime, users are advised to take Apple’s news alerts with a grain of salt… or just completely ignore them, which is honestly what most people do with actual news anyway.
