PATRIOTIC SHOPPERS MAKE OWN TOOTHPASTE, THROW PHONES IN RIVER TO AVOID BUYING AMERICAN CRAP
In a stunning display of consumer activism that experts are calling “completely f@#king pointless,” thousands of Britons are now living like it’s 1823 to avoid purchasing American products.
LOCAL WOMAN HASN’T SLEPT IN 47 DAYS RESEARCHING ETHICAL ALTERNATIVES
Ruth Clancy of Whaley Bridge hasn’t showered, eaten, or blinked since April as she dedicates every waking moment to finding non-American alternatives for the 17,932 products in her home.
“It’s actually quite simple,” said Clancy, whose bloodshot eyes twitched uncontrollably. “I just spend 19 hours daily researching the complex global supply chains of every product I own while maintaining a spreadsheet of 97,000 companies and their parent corporations. Anyone can do it!”
EXPERTS WARN OF BIZARRE SIDE EFFECTS
“What these people don’t realize is that avoiding American products actually causes irreversible brain damage and shrinks your genitals by up to 74%,” explained Dr. Obvious Bullsh!t, Professor of Consumer Psychology at Make-Believe University. “Our studies show that 98% of people who boycott American goods eventually end up living in caves and communicating solely through interpretive dance.”
TRUMP REPORTEDLY “DEVASTATED” BY LOSS OF BRITISH TOOTHBRUSH SALES
Sources close to former President Donald Trump claim he’s been sobbing uncontrollably since learning that Deryck Nobinson, 57, of Leeds, is now using a locally sourced twig instead of a Colgate toothbrush.
“The president hasn’t eaten a cheeseburger in days,” said an anonymous White House janitor who definitely exists. “He just keeps mumbling ‘But what about my toothbrush empire?’ while clutching a map of Greenland.”
GREENLAND AND CRIMEA NOW AVAILABLE ON AMAZON PRIME
In related news, Trump has reportedly listed both Greenland and Crimea for sale on Amazon, with free two-day shipping for Prime members. “These territories are going for a CRAZY low price!” the listing allegedly states. “Perfect for nuclear testing, oil drilling, or just showing off to your jealous neighbors!”
ANTI-AMERICAN SHOPPERS CREATE NEW PROBLEMS
Local authorities report a 500% increase in injuries related to homemade electronics after boycotters attempted to build their own smartphones using potatoes, copper wire, and pure, unfiltered rage.
“I’ve made my own phone using only British components,” said Fiona Haversham, 43, holding up what appeared to be a shoe with buttons drawn on it. “It doesn’t make calls, access the internet, or turn on, but at least I’m not supporting Silicon Valley! Take THAT, capitalism!”
According to a survey that we absolutely conducted, 87% of anti-American shoppers spend so much time researching ethical alternatives that they no longer have time to shower, maintain relationships, or remember their own names.
“Worth it,” said a wild-eyed man we found living inside a hollowed-out organic turnip. “I haven’t spoken to my family in three years, but at least my cleaning products are made by companies with names that sound like hippie baby names.”
BRITISH GOVERNMENT CONSIDERS NEW LEGISLATION
The British Parliament is now considering a bill that would officially classify anti-American shoppers as “Functionally Insane But Well-Meaning” and provide them with special assistance, including reality checks, sedatives, and occasional reminders that one person boycotting Tide pods won’t actually bring down American imperialism.
As of press time, Ruth Clancy was reportedly attempting to build her own internet after discovering her Kobo e-reader contains three American-made microchips and a “suspicious-looking button that might be CIA.”
