AMERICA TO SEIZE AI SUPREMACY BY TELLING PESKY REGULATIONS TO GO F@#K THEMSELVES
WASHINGTON GETS TECH-BRO MAKEOVER AS WHITE HOUSE UNVEILS “MOVE FAST AND BREAK DEMOCRACY” STRATEGY
In a bold move that has Silicon Valley executives experiencing spontaneous orgasms, the Trump administration released its “AI Action Plan” yesterday, officially changing the nation’s approach to artificial intelligence from “careful consideration” to “YOLO capitalism on steroids.”
The 28-page document, written in what experts describe as “techno-libertarian fanfiction,” declares AI an “industrial revolution, information revolution, and renaissance all at once,” conveniently forgetting that two of those historical periods featured mass exploitation and plagues.
“We’re removing all the red tape that’s been holding back innovation,” announced President Trump while standing in front of a backdrop of sad-looking regulators being digitally replaced by smiling billionaires. “America will dominate AI by making sure absolutely nothing stands in the way of companies doing whatever the hell they want.”
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
The plan focuses on three main pillars: accelerating innovation by removing pesky consumer protections, building massive infrastructure that requires bulldozing low-income neighborhoods, and strengthening diplomacy by telling China to eat our digital dust.
Dr. Mya Soulz, Professor of Ethical AI at the University of Common Sense, expressed concerns: “This plan was clearly written by feeding tech company press releases into ChatGPT and asking it to ‘make it sound like government policy but sexier.'”
The document also calls for rooting out “ideological bias” in AI systems, ensuring all government AI contractors make their models “objective” – a term that 98.7% of experts agree means “agreeing with whoever’s currently in power.”
INFRASTRUCTURE INVESTMENTS OR CORPORATE HANDOUTS? WHY NOT BOTH!
Critics point out that the blueprint seems suspiciously tailored to benefit the exact companies who’ve been lobbying for reduced oversight.
“It’s remarkable how closely this resembles the wishlist of every tech CEO who’s donated to political campaigns,” noted consumer advocate Terry Truth. “It’s almost like our government is just a bunch of corporate sock puppets with access to nuclear weapons.”
When asked about the lack of protections for everyday Americans, White House spokesperson Chad Moneyman replied, “Listen, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And by eggs, I mean your privacy, job security, and any remaining faith in democratic institutions.”
AMERICA’S NEW FOREIGN POLICY: “SUCK IT, CHINA”
The plan places heavy emphasis on beating China in the AI race, with strategies including “being way better at AI stuff” and “making sure our silicon-based thinking rectangles are, like, super American.”
Defense analyst General War Powers (ret.) explained the strategy: “If we don’t win the AI race, China will use their advanced systems to, I don’t know, make TikTok videos that are even more addictive? The details aren’t important. What’s important is WINNING.”
Meanwhile, in a related development, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman warned of an impending “AI fraud crisis,” noting that AI has already defeated authentication methods used by major institutions. When asked if releasing even more powerful AI without regulations might worsen this problem, Altman stared blankly before whispering, “But think of the shareholder value.”
According to a poll conducted exclusively for this article, 73% of Americans believe AI will either save humanity or destroy it completely, while the remaining 27% just want to know if it can make their Tinder profiles more appealing.
At press time, the White House was reportedly working on a follow-up plan titled “Just Let Elon Do Whatever He Wants: A Five-Year Vision for American Innovation,” expected to be released as soon as someone figures out how to remove the numerous rocket emojis from the draft.
