AMERICA HANDS CHINA KEYS TO FUTURE, SAYS “HERE, YOU TAKE OVER WORLD DOMINATION, WE’RE BUSY BEING STUPID”
In what experts are calling “the technological equivalent of giving your high school bully your lunch money, house keys, and sister’s phone number,” America continues its spectacular campaign to absolutely f@#k itself in the artificial intelligence race against China.
SHOOTING OURSELVES IN THE FOOT, RELOADING, THEN SHOOTING AGAIN
Former OpenAI board member Helen Toner recently stated that U.S. attacks on academic research and international students are a “great gift” to China, though analysts note she neglected to mention whether the gift came with a bow or a handwritten card saying “Sorry we’re complete idiots, enjoy ruling the future!”
“America’s strategy appears to be actively repelling the world’s smartest people while simultaneously dismantling its own research capabilities,” explained Dr. Hugh Jidiot, professor of Obvious International Relations at the University of No Sh!t Sherlock. “It’s like watching someone set their own house on fire while their neighbor is building a skyscraper.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH INCREASINGLY ALARMED FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
According to a completely fabricated study we just made up, 97.3% of technology experts believe America’s current approach is “dumber than a box of particularly stupid rocks.” The remaining 2.7% were too busy banging their heads against their desks to respond.
“We’re basically giving China a 20-year head start in the marathon that will determine the next global superpower,” said Professor Wer S. Crewed, Director of the Institute for Technological Facepalms. “It’s as if we looked at the entire chessboard of global technological dominance and decided to eat our own pieces instead of moving them.”
INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS: FROM VALUABLE RESOURCE TO SUSPECTED SPIES OVERNIGHT
In a bold move to ensure America falls behind in global innovation, the country has decided that international students, who previously contributed approximately $48 bajillion to the economy and countless scientific breakthroughs, should now be treated with maximum suspicion.
“Every Chinese graduate student working on machine learning is potentially stealing our secrets,” claimed Senator Xenophobe McParanoid (R-Fearmongering), who could not identify what AI actually is when pressed and described it as “the computer thing that does the thinking stuff.”
CHINA REPORTEDLY CONFUSED BY AMERICAN GENEROSITY
Sources inside the Chinese government report widespread confusion over America’s strategy of intellectual self-sabotage.
“We had a 50-year plan to overtake America in artificial intelligence, but at this rate we might wrap it up by Tuesday,” said an unnamed Chinese official. “We keep waiting for the trap, but it’s becoming increasingly clear they’re just being astronomically stupid.”
AMERICAN SCIENTISTS CONSIDER CAREER CHANGES
Meanwhile, American scientists are innovating in entirely new ways, primarily by updating their résumés and learning Mandarin. A survey of top AI researchers found that 89% are considering more stable career paths, such as “professional piñata” or “volcano tester.”
“I spent 12 years getting my PhD in machine learning only to be told my research is now considered suspicious,” lamented Dr. Sarah Brilliant, who is now pursuing a career in underground competitive toast-buttering. “At least bread doesn’t accuse you of undermining national security.”
THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY HANGS IN THE BALANCE, BUT WHATEVER
As the disembowelment of American research continues, some analysts suggest we simply accept our new future as technological serfs in a China-dominated world.
“Listen, being a global leader is hard work. Maybe it’s time we let someone else do the heavy lifting while we focus on making really good TikTok videos about our decline,” suggested Futurist and Professional Defeatist Tim Givenup.
At press time, Congress was debating whether to just directly mail all American intellectual property to Beijing to save everyone some time, because why the f@#k not at this point?
