AMD Unveils New Graphics Cards So Powerful They’ll Render Your Bank Account in 8K Detail
In a move destined to inflame tech enthusiasts and utterly terrify their wallets, AMD has announced their latest Radeon RX 9070 Series GPUs at CES 2025, a line of graphics cards so advanced that they are rumored to run Crysis, simulate your existential dread in real-time, and calculate the heat death of the universe—all before breakfast.
Boasting unfathomable power and specs so complex they require a PhD in quantum physics just to understand, the RX 9070 Series is being marketed as “the future of gaming and home heating solutions.” Leaked demos allegedly show the GPU running Cyberpunk 2077 at 10,000 frames per second in 27 dimensions, simultaneously transforming the PC it’s installed in into a sentient being that texts its owner, “Bro, do you even need this much power?”
Frank Skidmore, self-described hardware enthusiast and frequent Reddit commenter, was first in line at CES to witness the unveiling. “It’s a revolutionary piece of tech,” said Skidmore, visibly shaking from the adrenaline of GPU-induced lust. “Sure, I’ll have to sell my car, my dog, and maybe one kidney to afford it, but I *need* ray tracing so realistic I question whether my in-game shadow is part of an elaborate conspiracy.”
Price tags for these electronic deities haven’t yet been disclosed, but rumor has it AMD’s CFO was overheard in a Vegas steakhouse joking, “We’re not releasing GPUs for the masses; we’re releasing status symbols. If you’re broke, just play Minesweeper.” Early reports suggest the starting price will be $2,499, or one entire semester of college tuition. AMD CEO Lisa Su assured potential buyers, “Don’t think of it as a purchase. Think of it as the tech industry’s version of a midlife crisis sports car.”
And if that wasn’t enough to titillate the masses, AMD also teased their upcoming AI chips for mobile devices, described as “so advanced, they might actually make autocorrect *less* stupid.” The chips reportedly aim to enhance mobile performance by doing what AI chips do best: taking over basic functions you didn’t realize needed enhancing. “Soon, your smartphone will be optimized to send breakup texts for you with unparalleled efficiency,” AMD… probably didn’t say, but come on, we know they’re thinking it.
AMD’s competition, meanwhile, has not gone quietly into the night. NVIDIA scoffed at the announcement, insisting their upcoming GPUs will redefine high-performance gaming by simultaneously running Fortnite at 20K resolution while folding molecules to cure diseases. Intel reportedly mumbled something about “staying in their lane” and quickly retreated to a booth selling ergonomic keyboards.
But it’s not all sunshine and ray tracing for AMD. Critics are pointing to soaring energy costs associated with GPUs of this magnitude. Environmental expert Dr. Chloe Greenstern warns, “The RX 9070 is powerful enough to render the entirety of Middle Earth in 3 milliseconds, but just one unit running on max can power a small village… or set your neighbor’s plants on fire. Either way, we’re doomed.”
Despite these concerns, hardcore PC gamers and tech bros remain undeterred. “Do I need it? No. Will it improve my life? Also no. Will I buy it? Absolutely,” said Ahmed Patel, a Twitch streamer who streams exclusively to an audience of nine people. “It’s not about logic—it’s about flexing on random strangers on the internet.”
Expectations are high for the GPU’s global release in Q1 of 2025, with companies like ASUS and Acer already planning prebuilt systems that cost roughly the gross domestic product of Liechtenstein. Until then, gamers are advised to “save up,” though experts say most will skip meals, avoid housing expenses, and start a GoFundMe titled “Help Me Get the Radeon of My Dreams.”
As for AMD, they’re basking in the glow of hype and sodium-powered LEDs. Asked about the long-term goal of the RX 9070, a spokesperson smiled and said, “We just want to create a better world… one absurdly overpowered graphics card at a time.”
