AMAZON UNVEILS “REASONABLY PRICED LOGIC MACHINE” AFTER REALIZING PRIME MEMBERS WOULD PAY EXTRA FOR ACTUAL THINKING
In a move experts are calling “just another tech giant’s desperate attempt to stay relevant after funding someone else’s success,” Amazon announced it will finally join the reasoning AI race with its own Nova-branded “hybrid reasoning” system this June, proving once again that the company just can’t decide if it wants to be the world’s everything store or the world’s everything.
BEZOS’S BASEMENT HOBBY NOW COMPANY STRATEGY
The retail behemoth is reportedly developing an advanced reasoning AI despite already sinking $8 billion into Anthropic—a relationship that relationship experts describe as “the corporate equivalent of funding your girlfriend’s education while she dates someone else.”
“Our new hybrid reasoning system delivers both lightning-fast responses AND methodical problem-solving,” explained Amazon spokesperson Diana Denials. “Unlike our competitors, our AI actually thinks before it speaks, which is something we’ve found 97.3% of humans no longer do.”
Amazon has set ambitious goals to rank among the top five AI models, especially for software development and math—two areas where humans have already given up and accepted their silicon overlords as superior.
Industry analyst Dr. Obvious Observation notes, “Amazon’s strategy is clear as f@#k: invest billions in Anthropic, then build a competing product that makes that investment worthless. It’s the corporate equivalent of buying a Peloton and then opening your own gym next door.”
ALEXA FINALLY GETS BRAIN TRANSPLANT
The new AI system will complement Amazon’s upcoming AI-powered Alexa+, which promises to transform the device from “a glorified kitchen timer that occasionally orders dog food” into “a slightly smarter glorified kitchen timer that occasionally orders dog food.”
“We’re focusing on cost-effectiveness,” said VP of Price Undercutting, Steve Slasher. “Our goal is to make our AI so cheap that you’ll forget you’re getting subpar performance, just like with our tablets.”
When asked if developing their own AI while investing in Anthropic presents a conflict, Amazon’s Chief Contradiction Officer replied, “We believe in having our cake, eating it too, and then making our own cake-baking company while telling the original cake it’s still special.”
MARKETPLACE SELLERS ALREADY REPORTING KNOCKOFF VERSIONS
Just hours after the announcement, third-party sellers on Amazon were already offering “AmzReasn Pro+” models for $29.99 with free two-day shipping, which upon delivery turn out to be USB drives containing nothing but a text file that says “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
Amazon’s push into the reasoning race comes amid fierce competition from tech giants like OpenAI, Anthropic, and Google, all of whom have had the advantage of focusing on a single coherent strategy instead of trying to simultaneously dominate online retail, cloud computing, healthcare, entertainment, space travel, and now artificial thinking.
Dr. Idon Tcare of the Institute for Obvious Technological Observations summarized the development: “With this move, Amazon is sending a clear message to the tech industry: ‘We have no f@#king idea what we’re doing, but we have enough money to try everything until something works.'”
Sources close to the matter report that Amazon’s new reasoning AI, when asked its first question during internal testing, simply responded: “Just buy it already. You know you’re going to.”
