AMAZON’S STOCK PLUMMETS AS EXECUTIVES ADMIT “WE JUST SELL SH!T FROM CHINA IN FANCIER BOXES”
In a stunning admission that shocked absolutely no one with a functioning brainstem, Amazon executives struggled Thursday to explain how Donald Trump’s “America First, Everyone Else Go F@#k Yourself” tariffs won’t completely decimate their business model of “selling Chinese stuff with Prime stickers on it.”
BEZOS REPORTEDLY BUILDING ROCKET TO ESCAPE TARIFF REALITY
Despite reporting revenue numbers that would make God himself jealous, Amazon’s stock took a nosedive faster than a tech bro’s dating prospects after he explains cryptocurrency at dinner. The company reported a mind-boggling $167.7 billion in quarterly revenue, which experts note is “enough money to solve world hunger, if solving world hunger increased shareholder value, which it absolutely doesn’t.”
WALL STREET ANALYSTS QUESTION IF AMAZON CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT CHEAP PLASTIC CRAP
Dr. Financial Obvious, chief economist at the Institute for Pointing Out the Goddamn Obvious, explained the situation: “Amazon’s entire business model relies on Americans ordering things they don’t need, made by people they’ll never meet, at prices that defy economic reality. Trump’s tariffs basically threaten to expose the actual cost of consumption, which is terrifying to literally everyone involved.”
AMAZON PRIME MEMBERS PANIC AT THOUGHT OF PAYING ACTUAL VALUE FOR PRODUCTS
An internal Amazon memo leaked to AI Antics reveals the company is considering several strategies to offset tariff impacts, including “making the ‘Buy Now’ button smaller so people think harder before clicking” and “just shipping empty boxes and hoping customers don’t notice for 30 days until returns expire.”
JEFF BEZOS CONSIDERING COLONIZING MOON TO AVOID TRADE RESTRICTIONS
“Look, we’ve built our entire civilization around getting useless sh!t delivered to our doors in under 48 hours,” said Professor Consumerism Is Killing Us, who teaches economics at University of No Sh!t Sherlock. “If Americans suddenly had to pay what these products actually cost to make ethically, 97.3% of households would immediately collapse into existential crises.”
AWS DIVISION THRIVING AS CUSTOMERS DESPERATELY TRY TO UPLOAD CONSCIOUSNESS TO CLOUD BEFORE ECONOMY COLLAPSES
Amazon Web Services continues to be the company’s actual moneymaker, reporting $30.9 billion in sales, mostly from companies desperately trying to appear “tech forward” while still using Excel spreadsheets from 2007 for all important business decisions.
When reached for comment, Amazon CEO Andy Jassy allegedly said, “Look, we’re just hoping Trump gets distracted by literally anything shiny before implementing these tariffs. Have you seen how easily that guy loses focus? Our entire Q3 strategy is based around sending him random gold-plated objects.”
In related news, Walmart has announced plans to rebrand all Chinese-made products as “Definitely Made in America, Trust Us” with tiny American flag stickers, which experts predict will fool approximately 73% of consumers.
