AMAZON REPLACES HUMANS WITH BUZZY AI BECAUSE FLESH BAGS INSIST ON EATING, SLEEPING
In a move shocking absolutely f@#king nobody, Amazon has begun unceremoniously yeeting hundreds of its AWS employees into unemployment, primarily targeting the useless meat-sacks who do “marketing” and “outreach” rather than writing algorithms that will eventually render all human labor obsolete.
ALGORITHM AMERICANS DEEMED MORE COST-EFFECTIVE
Sources close to the situation report that Amazon executives made the difficult decision after discovering that human employees stubbornly continue demanding “compensation” and “healthcare” despite the existence of silicon-based thinking rectangles that work 24/7 without complaining about “work-life balance” or “bathroom breaks.”
“It was really a no-brainer,” explained Amazon’s Senior Vice President of Human Capital Disposal, Chad Bottomline. “On one hand, we had these carbon-based life forms constantly needing ‘weekends’ and ‘mental health days.’ On the other hand, we had code that never asks for a raise. Who would YOU choose?”
EMPLOYEES REACT TO BEING DEEMED “OBSOLETE MEAT PERIPHERALS”
Former AWS marketing specialist Sarah Johnson expressed shock at her termination, having foolishly believed her seven years of loyal service and consistently positive performance reviews might matter.
“They replaced my entire team with something called ‘MarketingGPT’ that apparently generates ‘engagement synergy’ at three times my output,” Johnson said, fighting back tears. “My final assignment was literally to train the system that took my job. I added ‘write resignation letters’ to its prompt library as my parting gift.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON AMAZON’S “BRILLIANT” STRATEGY
“What Amazon is doing represents the natural evolution of capitalism,” explained Dr. Will B. Homeless, Professor of Inevitable Technological Displacement at the University of Economic Reality. “Studies show that replacing humans with AI improves quarterly earnings by approximately 69%, which is nice for shareholders if not for, you know, society.”
According to a completely made-up study we’re citing anyway, approximately 87.3% of all corporate jobs could be replaced by a moderately intelligent golden retriever with access to ChatGPT, much less actual AI systems.
AMAZON ASSURES PUBLIC THAT SOME HUMANS WILL BE KEPT AS PETS
In a statement clearly written by an algorithm pretending to feel emotions, Amazon assured the public that some human workers would be retained “for diversity initiatives and to have someone to blame when the AI makes catastrophic errors.”
“We value our human workforce tremendously,” the statement read, “which is why we’re giving them the opportunity to experience exciting new career paths in the gig economy. Did you know you can deliver Amazon packages AND drive for Uber on the same day? Work-life integration at its finest!”
Industry analyst Penny Pincher noted that Amazon’s strategy aligns with broader tech industry trends. “By our calculations, keeping humans employed costs corporations approximately 847% more than necessary. Plus, robots don’t unionize, request parental leave, or passive-aggressively microwave fish in the break room.”
At press time, this article was being written by a human journalist who’s definitely not nervously looking over their shoulder at the content generation system being installed at the next desk. No sir. Everything’s fine. Absolutely f@#king peachy.
