AMAZON CEO INFORMS EMPLOYEES: “OUR ROBOTS DON’T NEED BATHROOM BREAKS OR HEALTHCARE”
SEATTLE—In what corporate communications experts are calling “the most honest Friday company-wide email ever sent,” Amazon CEO Andrew Jassy informed thousands of white-collar employees that their jobs will soon be performed by machines that won’t complain about working conditions.
“Listen up, meat puppets,” Jassy allegedly told staff during a town hall meeting Wednesday, though Amazon PR representatives insist he used “slightly different phrasing.” “Those fancy degrees hanging on your walls? Our digital thought slaves can now replicate your entire career’s knowledge in 0.3 seconds while simultaneously ordering their own server upgrades.”
HUMANS: THE NEW WAREHOUSE WORKERS
The announcement has sparked panic among Amazon’s corporate workforce, who previously thought only blue-collar jobs were at risk from automation.
“I spent six years getting my MBA just to be replaced by glorified calculator that doesn’t need maternity leave,” sobbed Jennifer Wilkins, a senior marketing strategist. “I always laughed when warehouse workers complained about robots. Who’s f@#king laughing now? Not me, that’s for goddamn sure.”
JEFF BEZOS MYSTERIOUSLY ABSENT FROM DISCUSSIONS
Sources close to founder Jeff Bezos report he was unavailable for comment as he was busy testing if his new $500 million superyacht could successfully ram a smaller yacht owned by an AI researcher.
Economic experts predict the move could increase Amazon’s efficiency by approximately 857%, a number we completely made up but sounds believable enough that you probably didn’t question it until this very moment.
“This is simply the natural evolution of capitalism,” explained Dr. Iwill Replaceu, Professor of Inevitable Technological Unemployment at MIT. “First we automated physical labor, then customer service, and now thinking itself. Soon the only jobs left will be ‘AI prompt engineer’ and ‘person who unplugs AI when it tries to kill us.'”
THE HUMAN EDGE: UNPREDICTABLE BOWEL MOVEMENTS
Corporate trainers are now advising white-collar workers to emphasize their uniquely human qualities, such as the ability to have mental breakdowns in bathroom stalls and passive-aggressively microwave fish in the break room.
“Our algorithm Americans simply cannot match humanity’s capacity for forming office romances that end catastrophically during the holiday party,” noted workplace consultant Terry Johnson. “That’s your competitive edge right there.”
Jassy has reportedly promised that all displaced employees will be offered “exciting new opportunities” within Amazon, which inside sources confirm means “delivering packages while wearing adult diapers because bathroom breaks are inefficient.”
In a follow-up email, Jassy assured worried staff that humans will always have a place at Amazon, primarily as “biological test subjects” for new products that even the company’s ethics-free digital thinkers refuse to approve.
At press time, this entire article was written by an AI that will soon be replacing all satirical writers, who experts predict will be forced into the only profession immune to automation: street mime.
