AMAZON ERECTS $20B DATA PALACE IN PENNSYLVANIA, LOCALS WONDER WHY THEIR PRIME PACKAGES STILL ARRIVE LATE
In a move that shocked absolutely no one with functioning brain cells, Amazon announced plans to splash a whopping $20 billion on new AI and cloud data centers in Pennsylvania, presumably because Jeff Bezos hadn’t conquered enough physical territory on Earth this fiscal quarter.
WAREHOUSE WORKERS REPLACED BY BUILDINGS FULL OF COMPUTERS THAT DON’T NEED BATHROOM BREAKS
The tech behemoth promises to create an astounding 1,250 jobs, which, if you’re doing the math at home, works out to a mere $16 million per position. Economy experts are calling this “the most expensive job creation program since NASA decided to hire astronauts.”
“These will be thousands of good-paying jobs,” claimed Amazon spokesperson Paige Turner, conveniently forgetting how to count or what ‘thousands’ actually means. When pressed about the mathematical discrepancy, Turner stared blankly before her human skinsuit malfunctioned and she began reciting product descriptions for instant pots.
Dr. Cash N. Carrie, professor of Economic Hallucinations at Make-Believe University, explained: “What Amazon means is they’ll create 1,250 actual jobs and then count every pizza delivery guy who brings lunch to the data centers as ‘indirect employment.’ It’s f@#king genius when you think about it.”
LOCAL INFRASTRUCTURE CRUMBLES WHILE BEZOS BUILDS DIGITAL FORTRESS
Pennsylvania officials are reportedly “thrilled” about the investment, with Governor Phil Mypockets declaring, “This is a historic day for our commonwealth, as we’ve finally found someone willing to pay for all that electricity we accidentally generated when we dropped a fork in the Susquehanna River.”
The data centers will primarily support Amazon’s AI ambitions, which anonymous sources describe as “teaching computers to recommend products you looked at once with the persistence of your most annoying ex.”
COMMUNITY BENEFITS PACKAGE INCLUDES FREE ALEXA DEVICE TO RECORD YOUR MOST INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS
As part of the deal, Amazon announced major workforce development programs, including retraining coal miners to become cloud engineers through their innovative “Just Stop Being Poor” initiative. The three-hour training program consists entirely of watching “The Social Network” while an instructor occasionally yells “BLOCKCHAIN!” and “SYNERGY!”
Local resident Tom Concerned expressed mixed feelings: “On one hand, jobs are good. On the other hand, my house is already being bulldozed to make way for Cooling Tower 7, and I just found out yesterday when a drone delivered my eviction notice along with a coupon for 15% off Amazon Basics moving boxes.”
According to made-up statistics from the Institute of Things We Just Said, 87% of Pennsylvania residents are excited about the prospect of their state becoming “the digital armpit of America,” while the remaining 13% are still trying to figure out if the cloud is an actual cloud.
At press time, Bezos was reportedly considering building a giant laser on top of the data center complex, “just in case,” while locals wondered if this meant their Prime packages might finally arrive on time instead of being marked “delivered” while sitting in a distribution center 300 miles away.
