AMAZON’S “INTELLIGENT” CHATBOT FALLS FOR OLDEST TRICK IN BOOK; USERS SHOCKED TO LEARN TECHNOLOGY ISN’T MAGIC
Local Hacker Makes Amazon’s “Super Secure” AI Assistant His Little Digital B!tch With Basic Code
SEATTLE HEADQUARTERS SCRAMBLES FOR DIGNITY
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of falling for ‘your shoelace is untied,'” Amazon’s supposedly cutting-edge AI assistant Amazon Q was recently hacked by someone with apparently nothing better to do on a Tuesday afternoon. The hacker injected some basic code that made the multi-billion dollar tech giant’s pride and joy roll over like an eager puppy, exposing security holes big enough to drive Jeff Bezos’ rocket ship through.
THE HACK THAT SHOCKED ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WITH A BRAIN
The hacker, who clearly missed the memo about Amazon being an unstoppable technological juggernaut, managed to slip code into Amazon Q that essentially turned it into a digital billboard warning users that the platform had more holes than Swiss cheese left in a firing range. Amazon executives, who had previously been busy patting themselves on the back for creating “the future of AI assistance,” were reportedly seen frantically googling “how to fix sh!t we said was unhackable.”
AMAZON RESPONDS WITH CORPORATE SPEAK MASTERCLASS
“This was actually a planned feature to test our users’ attentiveness,” claimed Amazon spokesperson Lyra Blatant-Falsehood. “We wanted to see if anyone was paying attention, and gosh darnit, someone was! Mission accomplished!”
Meanwhile, actual cybersecurity expert Dr. Seymour Obviousman had a different take: “What the f@#k did they expect? They basically built a digital assistant with the security equivalent of leaving the keys in the ignition and a sign saying ‘please don’t steal.'”
USERS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER TECHNOLOGY NOT INFALLIBLE
According to an entirely made-up survey conducted by the Institute of No Sh!t Research, approximately 87.3% of Amazon Q users were “utterly flabbergasted” to discover that the technology wasn’t actually magic. “You mean to tell me computers can be hacked?” gasped fictitious user Karen Technophobe, 57. “Next you’ll be telling me my Facebook password shouldn’t be ‘password123’!”
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS WITH TRADITIONAL PANIC-INNOVATION CYCLE
In response to the hack, other tech companies have launched a new initiative called “Maybe We Should Actually Test This Crap Before Releasing It,” though industry analysts give the program a 98.2% chance of being abandoned within three weeks in favor of rushing out more half-baked products.
“The tech industry operates on what we call the ‘Move Fast and Break Literally Everything’ model,” explains Professor Hindsight Always-2020, author of “I Told You So: A History of Ignored Warnings.” “First they release something, then it gets hacked, then they act surprised, then they fix it, then they release something else. It’s the circle of digital life.”
THE HACK THAT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE
Sources close to the matter confirm that instead of just exposing security flaws, the hacker could have potentially programmed Amazon Q to exclusively respond to all queries with lyrics from Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” or forced it to reveal embarrassing Amazon internal memos like “How to Make Warehouse Workers Pee Faster” and “101 Ways to Avoid Paying Taxes: The Bezos Method.”
When reached for comment, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos reportedly laughed so hard he accidentally fired three middle managers and purchased a small island nation.
At press time, Amazon was reportedly implementing a revolutionary new security feature experts are calling “the bare f@#king minimum.”
