ALTMAN RISES FROM CORPORATE GRAVE, DECLARES “ONLY I CAN DESTROY HUMANITY MY WAY”
In what experts are calling the most passive-aggressive workplace drama since that time your manager “accidentally” excluded you from the team lunch email, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has completed his transformation into Silicon Valley’s most terrifying final boss.
CORPORATE GAME OF THRONES, BUT WITH NERDS AND POSSIBLE EXTINCTION
Last November, OpenAI’s board decided Sam Altman had to go, presumably because they all suddenly remembered he might be steering humanity toward digital oblivion while wearing Allbirds. For a glorious 72 hours, the adults appeared to be in charge of preventing the robot apocalypse.
That didn’t f@#king last.
After what can only be described as the tech world’s most elaborate “you can’t fire me, I quit, wait please hire me back” routine, Altman orchestrated a comeback so spectacular it made Jesus’s resurrection look like a minor weekend getaway.
“What we witnessed was essentially a corporate coup performed via Slack messages and catered lunch meetings,” explained Dr. Ira Needajob, former OpenAI board member who now sells homemade jewelry on Etsy. “One minute we’re protecting humanity from extinction-level AI, the next we’re all updating our LinkedIn profiles.”
THE ALTMAN SUPREMACY: HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND DIGITALLY DOMINATE PEOPLE
According to Karen Hao’s new book “Empire of AI: How One Man’s God Complex Could End Civilization But Make Great Quarterly Returns,” Altman has now consolidated power to a degree that makes Vladimir Putin look like a substitute kindergarten teacher.
“Every person who clashed with him has left, disappeared, or mysteriously started working at a Series A startup making AI-powered toasters,” writes Hao, who claims she received threatening emails from ChatGPT while researching the book.
An astonishing 97.8% of former Altman critics now work in remote Alaskan data centers, according to statistics we completely made up but feel emotionally accurate.
INVESTORS CHOSE MONEY OVER PREVENTING ROBOT OVERLORDS, SHOCKING ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
When Microsoft and other investors realized their billions might evaporate faster than your resolution to learn Spanish on Duolingo, they quickly determined that potential human extinction was a reasonable trade-off for protecting their Q4 earnings.
“Listen, we all have to die someday,” said venture capitalist Bradley Wealthperson, speaking from his earthquake-proof, AI-resistant bunker in New Zealand. “But my portfolio? That’s supposed to be immortal.”
OPENAI BOARD NOW CONSISTS OF ALTMAN, ALTMAN’S REFLECTION, AND A CHATGPT INSTANCE PROGRAMMED TO ONLY SAY “YES SAM”
Sources close to the company report the new OpenAI board constitution requires all members to tattoo Altman’s face over their own and recite the daily affirmation: “Sam knows best, even when he’s destroying humanity, he’s doing it ethically.”
When reached for comment, an OpenAI spokesperson replied, “Sam is definitely not building a super-intelligence that will replace all human workers, judges, and eventually reproduce the entire cosmic evolutionary process in silico, creating trillions of digital minds experiencing unimaginable suffering across infinite simulated realities. He just wants to make helpful tools!”
“Besides,” they added, “have you seen his cute little freckles?”
As of press time, Altman was reportedly working on a new AI model capable of firing boards before they can fire him, proving once again that in Silicon Valley, you either die a hero or live long enough to become exactly the villain everyone suspected you were all along.
