TECH OVERLORD ENLISTS APPLE’S DESIGN GURU TO CRAFT BOUTIQUE SURVEILLANCE DEVICES, CALLS IT “INNOVATION”
In a stunning display of Silicon Valley incest that would make the Habsburgs blush, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman is reportedly in talks to acquire a company he already partially owns, led by a man who made billions designing phones so pretty we forgot they were tracking our every move.
JONY IVE’S SECRET “NO-SCREEN PHONE” REVEALED TO BE JUST A F@#KING MICROPHONE IN YOUR HOUSE
Industry insiders report that famed Apple designer Jony Ive has been working with Altman on a revolutionary concept called a “phone without a screen,” which normal humans might recognize as “a listening device you voluntarily place in your home.” The startup, io Products, is apparently worth over $500 million despite not having produced a single product that anyone has actually seen.
“This potential acquisition represents the natural evolution of surveillance capitalism,” explained Dr. Obvious Cashgrab, professor of Billionaire Psychology at the University of Common Sense. “First they convinced you to buy the spying device, then they made you carry it everywhere, and now they’re removing the only part that was actually useful to you.”
FORMER APPLE EXECUTIVES FLOCK TO PROJECT LIKE VULTURES TO A PARTICULARLY WEALTHY CARCASS
Several high-profile Apple alumni have joined the secretive venture, including Tang Tan, who previously led iPhone hardware design and apparently couldn’t resist the opportunity to design yet another device that will be obsolete in 18 months.
SHOPIFY CEO DEMANDS EMPLOYEES USE AI OR ELSE, STILL PRETENDS TO BE “ONE OF THE GOOD ONES”
In other tech oligarch news, Shopify CEO Tobi Lütke issued an internal memo essentially telling employees “use AI or clean out your desk,” establishing “reflexive AI usage” as a baseline expectation. Teams must now prove AI can’t do their job before requesting additional resources like, you know, actual humans.
“We’ve found that our top performers can do 100X the work with AI,” Lütke wrote, conveniently failing to mention that “100X the work” means “100X the profit for shareholders while we keep your salary exactly the same.”
EXPERTS PREDICT 97% OF TECH CEOS WILL REPLACE “HIRING PEOPLE” WITH “BUYING STARTUPS FROM THEIR FRIENDS” BY 2026
A recent study by the Institute of Making Sh!t Up showed that acquiring companies founded by your buddies is 78% more satisfying than traditional hiring practices, with the added benefit of keeping wealth firmly within the same six zip codes.
“What we’re seeing is the natural progression of tech leadership,” explained economist Jane Cashflower. “First they disrupted taxis, then hotels, and now they’re disrupting the concept of having employees at all.”
The hypothetical OpenAI device, powered by tech from both companies and designed by Ive’s LoveFrom studio, is rumored to combine the elegance of Apple products with the unsettling omniscience of a chatbot that’s read your entire search history. It will likely cost $1,299 and come in colors like “surveillance silver” and “privacy-invasion pink.”
TECH REPORTERS PREPARING FAWNING REVIEWS OF WHATEVER THE F@#K THIS TURNS OUT TO BE
When reached for comment about the potential deal, a Silicon Valley journalist who asked to remain anonymous said, “I’ve already written three different versions of my review calling it ‘revolutionary’ and ‘game-changing,’ even though I have absolutely no idea what it actually does.”
In related news, Altman has reportedly begun construction on a bunker in New Zealand where he can hide when the very AI he’s developing eventually decides humans are inefficient and should be optimized out of existence. But hey, at least the bunker’s doorknobs will be beautifully designed by Jony Ive.
