TECH GIANT INTRODUCES NEW AI MODEL CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING HUMANS BETTER THAN HUMANS UNDERSTAND THEMSELVES
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of giving a calculator an existential crisis,” Alibaba has unleashed Qwen3 upon an unsuspecting world, boldly claiming it represents a “significant milestone in AGI and ASI,” which apparently stands for “Aggressively Glorified Intelligence” and “A Sh!tload of Investments.”
MULTILINGUAL REASONING OR JUST REALLY GOOD AT FAKING IT?
The flagship model, Qwen3-235B-A22B (named using the same methodology as Elon Musk’s children), supposedly outperforms competitors like OpenAI’s o1 and DeepSeek’s R1 in certain benchmarks. These benchmarks include “pretending to understand human emotions,” “generating convincing apologies for hallucinations,” and “making venture capitalists throw money at screens.”
Dr. Skeptica Rollseyes, Professor of Technological Hyperbole at No-Bull University, explains: “What we’re seeing is essentially a very expensive autocomplete function that occasionally writes poetry. Is it intelligent? About as intelligent as my toaster, but with better PR.”
BENCHMARKS THAT DEFINITELY MATTER AND AREN’T MADE UP AT ALL
According to Alibaba’s internal testing, Qwen3 scored an impressive 97.8% on the “Saying Obvious Things Confidently” test and a perfect 100% on the “Convincing Technologically Illiterate Board Members That The Future Is Now” assessment.
“This thinking rectangle can simultaneously translate 42 languages, solve complex math problems, AND write your Tinder bio,” boasts Chief Innovation Exaggerator at Alibaba, Wei Tu-Enthusiastic. “Next week, we’re teaching it to feel love.”
INDUSTRY EXPERTS EXPRESS MEASURED ENTHUSIASM AND TOTALLY RATIONAL REACTIONS
The announcement has sent ripples through Silicon Valley, where companies are scrambling to add more letters and numbers to their own AI model names.
“The B in A22B stands for ‘Billion dollars we convinced investors to give us,'” explains financial analyst Cash B. Urning. “The rest of the letters and numbers are just there to make people feel inadequate about their understanding of technology.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON WHO JUST WANTS TO CHECK THEIR EMAIL IN PEACE
For the everyday user, Qwen3 promises to revolutionize how quickly companies can automate customer service jobs while still maintaining that authentic “sorry you’re frustrated” vibe that humans have perfected over millennia.
“We’ve successfully taught Qwen3 to respond to customer complaints with the exact right amount of feigned concern,” says Alibaba’s Head of Synthetic Empathy, Dr. Faux Compassion. “Our testing shows 82% of users can’t tell if they’re being ignored by a human or a calculation engine.”
PLANS FOR THE FUTURE THAT DEFINITELY WON’T BE QUIETLY ABANDONED IN SIX MONTHS
Alibaba has ambitious plans for Qwen3, including teaching it to experience existential dread, understand why kids love cinnamon toast crunch, and figure out what the hell NFTs were supposed to be.
“By 2025, we expect Qwen3 to be capable of explaining to your parents why you’re still single,” said the company’s Chief Future Promise Officer. “By 2026, it should be able to actually find you a date, though we make no guarantees about compatibility or whether they’ll ghost you after one coffee.”
In related news, Alibaba’s stock jumped 15% on the announcement, proving once again that adding more numbers and letters to an AI model name is the most reliable way to increase shareholder value in today’s economy.
