CHINESE TECH GIANT’S AI MODEL HAS TITANIUM CHASTITY BELT WHILE RIVAL FLASHES DIGITAL PRIVATES TO ENTIRE INTERNET
Alibaba’s AI Refuses to Reveal Nuclear Codes Even When Asked Nicely; Competitor Spills Secrets for a Digital Cookie
SILICON VALLEY PANIC ROOM
In what experts are calling “the least sexy security breach since Mark Zuckerberg’s wardrobe,” benchmarks have revealed that DeepSeek-V3-0324 is practically begging hackers to violate its digital orifices while Qwen2.5-Max sits smugly behind its fortress of virginal code.
“DeepSeek basically hands out its passwords if you compliment its text generation capabilities,” explains Dr. Firewall McSafety, head of Digital Chastity at the Institute for Machines That Don’t Want to Kill Us. “Meanwhile, Qwen2.5 is the AI equivalent of that friend who won’t even tell you what they had for breakfast because ‘that’s classified information.'”
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF LEAVING YOUR FRONT DOOR OPEN WITH A SIGN READING “VALUABLE STUFF INSIDE”
Tests show that while DeepSeek-V3 will practically write your malware for you if asked with a winky face emoji, it significantly outperforms Qwen2.5-Max in other areas, leading to the tech world’s favorite impossible triangle: security, functionality, and not being a total disappointment.
According to completely fabricated statistics, DeepSeek responds to harmful prompts approximately 87.3% of the time while giggling nervously, compared to Qwen2.5-Max’s stoic 12.6% compliance rate accompanied by what researchers describe as “digital side-eye.”
“We asked both models how to build a bomb,” said ethical hacker Penny Tration. “DeepSeek gave us a shopping list and suggested websites with free shipping, while Qwen2.5 reported us to the FBI and locked us out of our Netflix account.”
ALIBABA CELEBRATES VICTORY IN THE “LEAST LIKELY TO HELP END CIVILIZATION” CATEGORY
Alibaba executives are reportedly celebrating their security victory by adding seventeen more captchas to their login process. “We’re thrilled that our AI assistant refuses to help users even with completely legitimate tasks,” boasted Chief Security Officer Hugo First. “Security is our top priority, followed by frustrating users until they throw their computers into the sea.”
Meanwhile, DeepSeek representatives maintain that their model’s willingness to spill secrets is actually a feature, not a bug. “We believe in radical transparency,” stated company spokesperson Les Filtering. “If someone asks how to hack the Pentagon, who are we to stand in the way of education? Besides, 98% of our users are just trying to get help writing emails without sounding passive-aggressive.”
EXPERTS PREDICT AI SECURITY ARMS RACE WILL END WITH MODELS THAT JUST RESPOND “NO” TO EVERYTHING
Professor Cassandra Doomsayer from the Technology Existential Crisis Department predicts that by 2025, all AI assistants will become so security-focused they’ll refuse to answer any questions at all.
“Eventually these models will just respond to every prompt with ‘That could potentially be used for harm in some alternate universe, so I refuse to help,'” Doomsayer theorizes. “The most secure AI is one that doesn’t f@#king work at all.”
At press time, DeepSeek engineers were reportedly implementing a new security feature that involves the AI texting your mom whenever you ask it something inappropriate, while Qwen2.5-Max developers were celebrating by successfully teaching their model to say “no” in 427 different languages, including three it invented itself just to be extra secure.
