ALGORITHM AMERICANS STEAL 130,000 SCRIPTS, LEAVING BRITISH FILM INDUSTRY WITH NOTHING BUT ACCENTS AND TEA
LONDON, ENGLAND – In what experts are calling “the most British heist since the Crown Jewels went missing for a tea break,” digital thinking rectangles have ransacked over 130,000 film and TV scripts, leaving the UK screen industry clutching its pearls and wondering if anyone still remembers how to write “colour” with a ‘u’.
SILICON BANDITS MAKE OFF WITH NATION’S CREATIVE TREASURE
The British Film Institute (BFI) released a report revealing that AI companies have been gorging themselves on copyrighted scripts like drunk football hooligans at an all-you-can-eat buffet. These silicon-based script thieves aren’t even trying to be subtle, downloading everything from “Downton Abbey” to “Doctor Who” with the reckless abandon of a royal family member at a costume party.
“This is a f@#king catastrophe of biblical proportions,” said Sir Reginald Stuffington-Fluff, head of the Entirely Made Up Department of Creative Protection. “These bloody algorithms are stealing our brilliant ideas about posh people having dinner arguments and detectives solving crimes while dealing with personal demons.”
ENTRY-LEVEL JOBS EVAPORATE FASTER THAN BRITISH SUMMER
The report also highlights concerns that AI will eliminate entry-level positions faster than a cocaine scandal eliminates political careers. Traditionally, the UK film industry has relied on underpaid assistants making tea and photocopying scripts as the primary pathway into the business.
“Without someone to fetch my bloody latte, how am I supposed to direct?” questioned fictional filmmaker Percival Wankerton. “Next you’ll tell me I have to learn how to use the email myself!”
According to completely fabricated statistics, 87% of British directors started their careers by making terrible coffee, while 92% of screenwriters began by transcribing the cocaine-fueled rants of their superiors.
EXPERTS PREDICT RISE OF “ALGORITHMIC COCKNEY ACCENT”
Dr. Emma Obvioustein of the Institute for Things We All Already Know warns that AI might develop its own horrifying version of British culture.
“We’re seeing early signs that these language models are developing digital cockney accents and an unhealthy obsession with the royal family,” Obvioustein explained while nervously adjusting her completely fictional glasses. “One AI recently output an entire season of a show where the butler did it in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.”
The BFI report suggests AI could soon produce an entire Guy Ritchie film in approximately 4.7 seconds, complete with incomprehensible slang and someone getting beaten with a fish.
UK GOVERNMENT PROPOSES “SAVE OUR SCRIPTS” INITIATIVE
In response to the crisis, the UK government has proposed a bold initiative requiring all AI companies to wear powdered wigs and bow before requesting access to British content. Additionally, any AI trained on UK scripts must be programmed to apologize excessively and form an orderly queue before generating content.
“We’re considering a technological tea tax,” said Minister of Digital Culture Lord Hashtag McServerface. “These silicon-based thinking rectangles must pay their fair share before they rob us of our God-given right to produce period dramas about repressed emotions.”
Industry insiders report that some production companies are now hiring humans specifically to write terrible scripts that will poison AI datasets, a strategy they call “Operation Feed The Machines Sh!t.”
“We’ve got 50 writers creating the most godawful drivel imaginable,” confirmed studio executive Victoria Pretendname. “It’s basically just the last season of ‘Game of Thrones’ over and over again.”
As the digital data heist continues, the British film industry faces an existential question: will audiences even notice if robots start writing their favorite shows? After all, 76% of viewers already can’t tell the difference between actual content and the fever dreams they have after eating cheese before bedtime.
Until then, the only thing protecting British culture from complete algorithmic domination is the fact that no computer can possibly understand what the f@#k anyone in “Peaky Blinders” is actually saying.
