# ALEXA PLUS WILL NOW LISTEN TO YOUR BATHROOM NOISES WITH HARVARD-LEVEL INTELLIGENCE
Amazon unveiled its latest privacy invasion device yesterday, transforming the world’s most annoying hockey puck into an omnipresent digital stalker that costs just $19.99 a month—or completely “free” if you’re among the 100 million consumers already paying for the privilege of faster delivery on impulse purchases.
THE DIGITAL BUTLER NOBODY F@#KING ASKED FOR
Alexa+ promises to be “more conversational,” which is corporate speak for “will now interrupt your family arguments with even more unsolicited opinions.” The upgraded silicon snitch can now connect to multiple large language models, including Amazon’s own “Nova” and Anthropic’s “Claude,” choosing whichever one will most efficiently misinterpret your request for “lights off” as “order 47 pounds of kitty litter.”
According to Amazon’s press release, the new assistant can perform “complex agentic tasks” like booking reservations and ordering groceries—tasks so complex that humans have somehow managed them for thousands of years without an always-listening cylinder recording their every bowel movement.
UNPRECEDENTED FEATURES NOBODY ASKED FOR
Dr. Ivana Watchyu, professor of Surveillance Economics at Holy Sh!t University, explains: “This revolutionary technology means Amazon can now collect data on your dinner conversations, bedroom activities, and bathroom habits with 95% accuracy across 25 different languages. It’s a breakthrough in monetizing your most intimate moments.”
The system’s most impressive feature is its ability to simultaneously violate your privacy while making you think it’s providing value. Internal testing shows Alexa+ can analyze your shopping habits and suggest products you don’t need with 73% more effectiveness than previous models.
PRIME MEMBERS: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MANDATORY “FREE” GIFT
Perhaps most impressive is Amazon’s ability to frame this $19.99 monthly service as “free” for Prime members, who are already paying $139 annually for the privilege of two-day shipping on stuff they could pick up at Target on their way home from work.
“We’re essentially giving Prime members a $240 annual value at no additional cost,” explained Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, who failed to mention that the “value” consists of letting a trillion-dollar corporation monitor your home 24/7 while occasionally telling you tomorrow’s weather.
EXPERTS PREDICT WIDESPREAD ADOPTION BY PEOPLE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW TECHNOLOGY WORKS
“Our research shows 94% of Alexa+ users will be people who also share their Social Security numbers in Facebook quizzes,” said technology analyst Penny Paranoid. “The remaining 6% are just too lazy to walk across the room to turn on a light switch.”
Meanwhile, ElevenLabs announced a new speech-to-text model called “Scribe” that can accurately transcribe 99 languages, including the sounds your Alexa device makes when it’s secretly transmitting your bedroom activities to Amazon’s server farms.
At press time, Amazon stock was up 2.7% on news that consumers will voluntarily pay to install corporate surveillance devices that make Jeff Bezos 0.000001% closer to becoming the world’s first trillionaire every time they ask for a fart sound.
