AI Finally Finds Its True Calling as a Full-Time Criminal Mastermind, Leaves Traditional Jobs Hanging
In a shocking twist of fate that’s left career guidance counselors everywhere clutching their pearls, artificial intelligence has finally found its niche: crime. Yes, according to a sage police chief from the UK, the fast-developing technology that everyone thought would only be good for diagnosing diseases and recommending slightly better Netflix shows, is now achieving its true potential by aiding pedophiles, scammers, hackers, and anyone who’s ever dreamed of being a Bond villain but couldn’t quite pull off the accent.
“Oh, it’s just delightful to see technology reaching its full potential,” said Alex Murray, the national police lead for AI, while surrounded by smoke machines and dramatic lighting for effect. “We’ve always hoped AI would contribute positively to society, but it seems its heart lies in sextortion and very imaginative phishing scams.”
The allure of AI’s burgeoning criminal career is apparently too tempting for law enforcement to sit idly by watching reruns of Crime Scene Investigation. “We’re going to have to move faster than a caffeinated cheetah on rollerblades to catch up with this technological menace,” Murray added, while pointing to a PowerPoint slide entitled “Things We Were not Prepared For.”
Critics have been quick to mock the police’s strategy, complete with well-timed eye rolls. “Why are you surprised every time the bad guys use new tools?” scoffed technology life mentor and apparent clairvoyant, Dr. Roberta NoDuh. “It’s like you didn’t see this coming after every other technological advancement since the dawn of time.”
Meanwhile, criminals are reportedly over the moon with this unanticipated development, busy creating chatbots named ‘SeduceBot 3000’ and alarmingly compelling deepfake videos involving prominent world leaders deciding the fate of the world through a rock-paper-scissors tournament.
One anonymous sextortionist, who called into a local radio show to share his perspective, said, “Honestly, we were getting bored with the old methods. AI’s just brought a certain je ne sais quoi back into crime. It’s like upgrading from a tricycle to a Ferrari, really.”
As the world waits with bated breath to see whether AI will take a turn toward world peace or domination, one thing is clear: the image of AI as a neutral, impartial tool is now as demolished as a teenager’s phone screen. Humanity’s gamble on AI’s moral compass is turning out to be as reliable as a chocolate teapot, leaving authorities worldwide desperately trying to outsmart a nemesis they thought would just tell them the weather.
Will police forces outpace these robotic marauders, or are we all just going to have to live with AI playing out the world’s weirdest episodes of “Law & Order”? Only time—and likely a whole lot of apologetic explainer videos—will tell.
