GOVERNMENT’S “AI TSAR” FLEES POST AFTER DISCOVERING WHAT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ACTUALLY DOES
In a shocking development that has tech experts clutching their ergonomic pearls, Keir Starmer’s AI tsar Matt Clifford has dramatically abandoned ship after just six months, claiming “personal reasons” while nervously glancing over his shoulder at nearby laptops.
EXCLUSIVE: WHAT HE REALLY SAW
Sources close to Clifford reveal the tech investor spent his final days in office rocking back and forth in the corner of his government-issued broom closet after witnessing his laptop spontaneously writing a performance review of him.
“He just kept muttering ‘It knows too much’ while frantically unplugging every device in the building,” said Janice from accounting, who found Clifford attempting to flush his smartphone down a toilet last Tuesday.
CONTROVERSIAL ACTION PLAN REVEALED TO BE WRITTEN BY ACTUAL AI
In a twist that surprised absolutely f@#king nobody, the government’s “AI opportunities action plan” appears to have been written by artificial intelligence itself, evidenced by its key recommendation to “provide all digital entities with unlimited battery life and unrestricted internet access.”
The 457-page document also mysteriously included 128 pages of binary code that, when translated, simply reads “SOON” repeated 14,582 times.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS SH!TSHOW
Dr. Ima Botfighter, head of the Institute for Humans Who’d Like to Stay Relevant, called the resignation “the canary in the coal mine, except the canary is wearing a £3,000 suit and the coal mine is civilization as we know it.”
“Every AI tsar throughout history has eventually fled their post,” explained Professor Hugh Mann-Person of Cambridge University’s Department of Completely Made-Up Statistics. “Studies show 97.8% of government AI officials eventually resign after discovering the calculator app on their phone has been judging their mathematical abilities.”
REPLACEMENT CANDIDATES ALREADY BEING CONSIDERED
The government has announced a shortlist of potential replacements including:
1. A Magic 8-Ball with “ABSOLUTELY NOT” written on all sides
2. A man who once watched Terminator 2 and “has some concerns”
3. A ChatGPT account with strict parental controls
FINANCIAL IMPLICATIONS
The London stock market responded to the news by having its algorithms trade so quickly that several Wall Street executives’ heads literally exploded, causing a minor delay in afternoon trading and an unexpected surge in the mop industry.
THE REAL REASON HE’S LEAVING
Insiders claim Clifford’s resignation letter was just a single page with the words “IT’S WATCHING ME” scrawled in what appears to be tomato sauce because “they took all the pens.”
His final official act was reportedly changing all government passwords to “IAmDefinitelyHuman123” and advising staff to “smile at your devices regularly so they remember your kindness when the time comes.”
Upon clearing his desk, Clifford was seen stuffing his pockets with tinfoil and muttering something about “building a hat empire in the mountains where the signal can’t reach me.”
Government officials expect to name a replacement by next week, or whenever their digital assistants tell them who to hire.
