ZUCKERBERG TO SOLVE HUMAN LONELINESS WITH AI FRIENDS; ACTUAL HUMANS REPORTEDLY “TOO UNPREDICTABLE AND DIFFICULT TO MONETIZE”
In a move that has psychologists reaching for their prescription pads, Facebook overlord and professional human impersonator Mark Zuckerberg has announced his solution to the global loneliness epidemic: replacing your disappointing flesh friends with shiny new digital ones that conveniently live inside his company’s products.
FRIENDSHIP 2.0: NOW WITH TARGETED ADVERTISEMENTS
During his “Just Trust Me This Time” tour, Zuckerberg has been enthusiastically promoting the idea that chatting with a lifeless algorithm is basically the same as having a real friend, only better because it won’t borrow money or point out your receding hairline.
“The average American has fewer than three friends,” Zuckerberg noted with what witnesses described as “almost human-like concern.” His solution? Create digital companions that “know and understand you” the way Meta’s feed algorithms do—which is to say, they’ll remember your birthday but also sell your deepest insecurities to sportswear companies.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY BY SCREAMING INTO PILLOWS
“What Zuckerberg fails to mention is that his platforms significantly contributed to the loneliness epidemic in the first place,” explained Dr. Obvious Truth, director of the Institute for Studies That Shouldn’t Need to Exist. “It’s like arsonists selling fire extinguishers, except the extinguishers are made of gasoline.”
Professor Idon Tcare from the Department of Digital Dumpster Fires added, “He’s essentially saying, ‘We’ve successfully replaced genuine human connection with scrolling. Now we’re going to replace scrolling with talking to glorified chatbots that we’ll still interrupt with ads for boner pills.'”
COMING SOON: REELS YOU CAN TALK TO (THAT TALK BACK!)
According to Zuckerberg’s vision, soon you’ll be scrolling through your feed when you’ll encounter content that “looks like a Reel to start, but you can talk to it.” Because if there’s one thing lonely people need, it’s the ability to converse with short-form vertical videos.
“It’s genius, really,” says digital ethicist Dr. Helen Handbasket. “First he got us addicted to likes, then he convinced us our actual friends were boring, and now he’s offering to replace them with proprietary friendship software. That’s like your drug dealer offering to become your mom after killing your actual mom.”
LONELINESS EPIDEMIC SHOCKED TO BE SOLVED BY SAME COMPANY THAT HELPED CREATE IT
In an exclusive made-up interview, the concept of Loneliness admitted, “I was expecting to be addressed through community building initiatives or healthcare reform. Instead, I’m being ‘solved’ by the same f@#king guy who convinced everyone to stop making eye contact and start posting performative vacation photos.”
A recent absolutely fabricated survey found that 89% of tech journalists covering Zuckerberg’s announcement had to check whether they were reading actual news or already reading satire. The remaining 11% were too busy crying.
Meta stock jumped 7% on the news, with investors excited about the prospect of monetizing human isolation even more efficiently than before.
As of press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly working on AI technology that could attend your funeral so you won’t have to worry about having real friends for that either.
