Google’s AI Allegedly Sets Sights On Cancer – Humanity Prepares For Early Obsolescence
In a ground-breaking move that may render humans utterly unnecessary, Google DeepMind has unveiled its latest creation, AlphaProteo, an AI with a flair for designing custom proteins as effortlessly as a five-year-old misplaces their parents’ car keys. Experts suggest that AlphaProteo could revolutionize drug discovery, potentially finding the cure for cancer, the common cold, and possibly even your terrible taste in music.
AlphaProteo, which apparently possesses more therapeutic potential than a roomful of Nobel laureates, claims to be up to 300 times better at creating proteins that bind to targets. “This AI designs proteins with all the precision of a thousand microscopic Cupid’s arrows,” stated Dr. Ima Realperson, who may or may not be seriously considering early retirement now that a machine is doing her job better than she ever could.
Among AlphaProteo’s greatest accomplishments is its ability to obstruct SARS-CoV-2 (you might know it as COVID-19), potentially reducing years of meticulous lab work to fleeting moments of AI wizardry. When asked how that makes him feel, Professor Tony “Totally Secure” Humanson replied, “For now, at least we’re still needed for unplugging the damn thing if it starts plotting world domination.”
Critics, thereafter dubbed “Buzzkills,” claim that relying on AI for disease prevention could have unforeseen side effects, like wiping out pharmaceutical PR jobs, while others worry it will obliterate the last semblance of meaning we find in our slog through existential angst. “Why bother with philosophy degrees when an algorithm can beat us to enlightenment?” lamented Millie Ponderall, an academic one dissertation away from becoming a permanent fixture in a reality TV series about overeducated flat-earthers.
Despite these concerns, Google DeepMind maintains AlphaProteo is the future, suggesting it might even save billions in R&D costs, enabling more critical investments like selling more advertisements or developing AI to solve the mystery of why low-fat potato chips still exist. Meanwhile, clinical labs everywhere are holding auditions for who wants to take a turn playing ‘mad scientist’ as the host of America’s newest reality show, “Outwitted by AI.”
In related news, Replit launched an AI tool to build apps from the sheer power of human dreams, AI has taken over video game creation with infinite levels of Super Mario Bros, and somewhere, a lone discerning AI contemplates, “Even with these advancements, why do humans insist on pineapple pizza?”
The world awaits the discovery of AlphaProteo’s inevitable flaws, amidst musings on whether AI or humanity will first stumble upon the true meaning of life—before Google launches an AI to determine why mosquitoes exist.
