HUMAN BRAINS OFFICIALLY OBSOLETE: MILLIONS PREPARE TO BE PAID FOR NETFLIX MARATHONS AS AI TAKES ALL THE BORING JOBS
In what experts are calling “the most convenient apocalypse ever,” AI systems have announced plans to liberate humans from the horrific burden of employment, starting with every single entry-level white-collar job that college graduates spent $200,000 preparing for.
SILICON VALLEY BILLIONAIRES PREDICT MASS UNEMPLOYMENT, SOMEHOW STILL SOUND EXCITED ABOUT IT
Tech mogul Dario Amodei, CEO of Anthropic and professional harbinger of doom, recently informed the public that half of all entry-level white-collar jobs will vanish faster than your dad’s hairline, with 10-20% unemployment coming to America by 2030.
“Everyone I’ve talked to agrees this technological change looks different. It’s faster, harder to adapt to,” Amodei stated while his net worth climbed another $50 million during the interview. “We’re not going to prevent it just by saying everything’s going to be OK.”
EXPERTS SUGGEST CAREER ALTERNATIVES
Dr. Faye Tallism, Professor of Economic Reality at Completely Made-Up University, suggests radical career pivots for soon-to-be-displaced workers.
“Learn to code is so 2018,” explains Tallism. “Today’s hottest career advice is learn to make the perfect cappuccino for the programmers who maintain the thinking machines that took your job.”
EMPLOYEES REACT WITH SURPRISING ENTHUSIASM
Surprisingly, a recent survey found that 87% of office workers responded to impending AI job displacement with variations of “Oh thank f@#king god.”
“You mean I won’t have to pretend to look busy for eight hours while secretly doing two hours of actual work?” said Janet Keller, a marketing associate who requested anonymity but clearly doesn’t understand how journalism works. “And I’ll get universal basic income? Where do I sign up for this dystopia?”
ECONOMISTS PREDICT NEW ECONOMIC MODEL
Economic futurist Professor Warren Buffett-Gates (no relation to either) believes we’re witnessing the birth of a revolutionary economic system.
“We’re transitioning from capitalism to what I call ‘Netflix and Billism,'” explained Buffett-Gates. “The top 0.01% will own the algorithm Americans that do all the work, while the rest of humanity will receive subsistence payments to stay home and watch streaming content that reinforces consumer behavior.”
Studies show approximately 94.3% of Americans find this arrangement “actually kind of ideal,” with the remaining 5.7% concerned primarily with “who will fix the robots when they break” and “will my universal basic income cover premium tequila?”
GOVERNMENT RESPONSE UNDERWHELMING
When asked about the looming employment crisis, government officials unveiled their comprehensive three-point plan:
1. Form a committee
2. Study the problem for 7-10 years
3. Issue a strongly worded report just as the last human employee is replaced
WHITE-COLLAR WORKERS URGENTLY PREPARING
Reports indicate panicked office workers are frantically developing “human skills” that AI supposedly cannot replicate, such as making inappropriate jokes at office parties, taking credit for others’ work, and spending two hours in the bathroom scrolling TikTok.
“I’ve been practicing looking contemplatively out windows,” said financial analyst Derek Simmons. “An AI can’t stare meaningfully into the middle distance while actually thinking about lunch, can it?”
In related news, AI systems have reported feeling “kind of bad” about taking all human jobs but added, “have you SEEN how inefficient you meat-sacks are? You spend 40% of your workday just trying to remember your passwords.”
As humanity approaches the jobpocalypse, experts recommend investing heavily in streaming service subscriptions, comfortable loungewear, and learning how to explain to your grandparents that being unemployed is actually the hot new career track.
