PASTA SAUCE EMERGENCY SOLVED BY SILICON GOD, HUMANS WONDER WHY THE F@#K THEY STILL EXIST
In what can only be described as the most compelling argument against technological advancement since the invention of the automatic toilet paper dispenser that gives you exactly one square, Samsung’s latest advertisement has united humanity in collective bewilderment.
THE GREATEST PROBLEM OF OUR TIME
A young man, facing what experts are calling “a completely solvable kitchen mishap,” adds too much sugar to his gochujang pasta sauce. Rather than doing what any functioning human with opposable thumbs would do—scoop the sugar out, add more ingredients to dilute it, or simply start over—this digital devotee turns to his phone’s AI assistant for salvation.
“This represents the exact moment when humanity surrendered its last shred of common sense,” explains Dr. Kitchin Kompetence, author of “Things Your Grandmother Could Do That You Now Need A F@#king App For.” “It’s like watching the evolutionary process screech into reverse.”
SILICON SAVIOR SUGGESTS COOKIE CONVERSION
The phone’s AI, clearly programmed by someone who has never cooked anything more complicated than toast, suggests converting the ruined pasta sauce into “tasty cookies” using a recipe so vague it would make a cereal box instruction panel look like molecular gastronomy.
“Add butter, mix, bake for 10 minutes,” offers the digital deity, conveniently omitting minor details like temperature, flour, eggs, or basic common sense.
“Approximately 97.3% of viewers immediately questioned whether the ad was secretly produced by competitors hoping to destroy Samsung’s reputation,” reports consumer behavior analyst Lisa Normalhumanbrain. “The remaining 2.7% were too busy trying to convert their morning coffee into birthday cake to respond to our survey.”
YOUTH EXCLAIMS “SWEET!” INSTEAD OF “WHAT THE ACTUAL SH!T”
In perhaps the most unrealistic portrayal of human behavior since dinosaurs playing badminton, the protagonist responds to this culinary abomination suggestion with enthusiasm rather than hurling his $1200 phone into the nearest wall.
“We’ve studied this young man’s reaction extensively,” says Professor Idon Believethis from the Institute of Not Making This Sh!t Up. “No human in recorded history has ever responded positively to the suggestion that they turn pasta sauce into cookies. It’s statistically impossible and morally reprehensible.”
COOKIES MATERIALIZE WITH SUSPICIOUS EASE
After following instructions that would get you immediately expelled from any cooking school on Earth, the youth produces what appear to be perfectly formed cookies from his gloopy, tomato-based disaster.
“The cookies shown in the ad would require at least seven additional ingredients, proper measurements, and basic understanding of baking chemistry,” notes celebrity chef Gordon Rampage. “What we’re witnessing is either a f@#king miracle or complete bulls%!t. I’m leaning toward the latter.”
HUMANITY QUESTIONS EVERYTHING
Industry insiders reveal that 89% of viewers who witnessed the advertisement immediately checked their own mental faculties, with many reporting existential crises.
“After seeing that ad fifteen times during one basketball game, I began to wonder if I was the crazy one for thinking it made no sense,” admits former Samsung customer Terry Reasonableperson. “Maybe I should be turning my mistakes into unrelated food items? Should I convert my incorrectly assembled IKEA shelf into a hat?”
A Samsung spokesperson, who requested anonymity because “this is embarrassing as hell,” defended the advertisement, stating: “Our research shows that modern consumers value digital assistants that provide solutions which are technically possible but practically insane.”
As the world continues to grapple with this culinary nightmare fuel, experts warn that we’ve entered a new phase of technological dependency where people would rather follow absurd AI suggestions than use their own brains to solve the simplest problems.
At press time, reports indicate the youth from the advertisement has now gone on to turn his overcooked rice into “trendy wall insulation” and transform his burnt toast into “fashionable sandals,” all at the benevolent suggestion of his phone.
