STUDENTS ADMIT USING AI TO CHEAT; EXPERTS SHOCKED THEY ADMIT ANYTHING AT ALL
In what can only be described as the most earth-shattering revelation since we discovered politicians sometimes lie, university students are apparently using artificial intelligence for their coursework. Holy sh!t, who could have possibly seen this coming?
GENERATION “F@#K IT, LET THE ROBOTS DO IT”
Local student Elsie McDowell claims her peers aren’t lazy cheaters but rather victims of a “rapidly changing and badly mishandled education system.” Right, because nothing says “I’m taking my education seriously” like asking a glorified autocomplete function to write your dissertation on Chaucer.
According to McDowell, students view digital thought outsourcing as “broadly acceptable” in the learning process. In related news, bank robbers view stealing money as “broadly acceptable” in the wealth acquisition process.
EDUCATION EXPERTS PREDICT APOCALYPSE, STOCK UP ON RED PENS
“We’re witnessing the complete collapse of critical thinking skills,” warned Professor Ima Boomer, who earned her degree by walking uphill both ways to the library. “These kids will graduate without knowing how to form a single original thought, which oddly enough prepares them perfectly for middle management.”
Students defend their silicon sidekicks, claiming they use them only for “research assistance” and “essay structuring.” This is like saying you only use steroids to “assist with muscle development” and “structure your biceps.”
SHOCKING STATISTICS REVEAL ABSOLUTE BULLSH!T WE JUST MADE UP
Our comprehensive investigation reveals that 87.3% of papers written with AI assistance contain phrases no human would ever naturally produce, such as “upon further analysis of the aforementioned data points” and “the multifaceted implications deserve robust scrutiny.”
Dr. Hugh Jass, Chair of Digital Ethics at Make Believe University, expressed concern about environmental impacts. “These kids are literally melting glaciers every time they ask ChatGPT to explain Marxism,” he explained while printing 300 copies of his latest research paper.
THE REAL VICTIMS: PROFESSORS WHO NOW HAVE TO READ COHERENT ESSAYS
University staff report unprecedented levels of readable content coming across their desks. “It’s terrifying,” admitted Teaching Assistant Penny Dreadful. “I used to grade based on who had the fewest grammatical errors, but now everyone’s papers are perfect. How am I supposed to assign arbitrary grades now?”
SOLUTIONS INCLUDE RETURNING TO STONE TABLETS, CARRIER PIGEONS
Universities are scrambling to develop AI-proof assessment methods, including having students chisel essays into granite while being watched by seven proctors or requiring them to deliver oral presentations while hooked up to lie detectors.
“We’re considering having students submit blood samples with their papers so we can test for signs of independent thought,” suggested Academic Integrity Officer Dick Tater.
In a final twist of irony, this very article was written by a human journalist desperately trying to convince their editor they shouldn’t be replaced by the same technology they’re criticizing. The struggle is f@#king real.
