GOVERNMENT TO ARTISTS: “JUST DO INTERPRETIVE DANCE WHILE AI STEALS YOUR LIVELIHOOD”
In a stunning display of technological favoritism that makes the Hunger Games look like a fair competition, the UK government has proposed legislation allowing AI companies to use artists’ work without permission, payment, or so much as a “thank you” note written in Comic Sans.
PERFORMERS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER GOVERNMENT DOESN’T GIVE A SH!T ABOUT THEM
More than 30 performing arts leaders, including bigwigs from the National Theatre and Royal Albert Hall, have issued a statement that essentially translates to “What the actual f@#k?” These creative professionals, who foolishly believed their work had value, are now discovering that in the eyes of the government, they rank somewhere between “disposable” and “irrelevant.”
“This is the creative equivalent of letting people rob your house as long as they promise to build a really nice robot with your stuff,” explained Dr. Penny Less, Director of the Institute for Obvious Government Betrayals. “It’s just so thoughtful of the UK to sacrifice its entire arts culture on the altar of Silicon Valley’s wet dreams.”
FREELANCERS ADVISED TO DEVELOP TASTE FOR RAMEN AND CARDBOARD HOUSING
The performing arts leaders emphasized that the industry relies on a “fragile ecosystem” of freelancers, which is government-speak for “people we already don’t give health insurance to and now want to completely f@#k over.”
“We’ve run the numbers, and it turns out 99.7% of freelance artists would be better off financially if they just stood on street corners with QR codes tattooed on their foreheads,” said Professor Cash Strapped from the University of Economic Reality. “At least then they’d get the occasional pity pound.”
GOVERNMENT DEFENDS POSITION WITH LOGIC THAT WOULD EMBARRASS A TODDLER
When asked about the devastating impact on creative professionals, a government spokesperson who wished to remain unnamed (but we’ll call them “Soulless McProfitface”) responded: “Have they tried not being artists? There’s good money in helping program the very AI that’s replacing them!”
The government’s position paper reportedly includes innovative solutions like “just get another job” and “have you considered being born wealthy?”
AI COMPANIES PROMISE TO USE STOLEN ART “RESPONSIBLY”
Tech executives have rushed to reassure artists that their stolen intellectual property will be used “ethically” to create an unstoppable army of content-generating systems that will make human creativity as valuable as a blockbuster DVD rental store.
“We promise to occasionally mention ‘inspired by humans’ in the fine print of our quarterly earnings reports,” said Chip Datacrunch, CEO of AlgorithmOverlords Inc. “Plus, think of all the exposure you’ll get when our AI recreates your entire life’s work in 0.3 seconds!”
ARTISTS CONSIDER RADICAL RESPONSE OF “ACTUALLY BEING PAID FOR THEIR WORK”
In what experts are calling an “unreasonable demand,” artists are suggesting they should maintain rights over their own creative output and receive compensation when their work is used.
“It’s a revolutionary concept called ‘not stealing,'” explained Dame Julia Createsworth of the Royal Society for Not Getting Completely Screwed Over. “We’re even willing to compromise and suggest something truly outlandish like ‘asking permission’ before taking someone else’s lifework.”
At press time, the government was reportedly drafting legislation to classify human creativity as “an outdated inefficiency” while simultaneously planning a massive AI-generated West End show titled “Humans: Weren’t They Adorable While They Lasted?”
