HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSIONER TERRIFIED AI MIGHT STEAL DISCRIMINATION JOBS FROM HARDWORKING AUSTRALIANS
In a shocking revelation that has sent ripples through Australia’s bigotry industry, Human Rights Commissioner Lorraine Finlay has issued an urgent warning that artificial intelligence might be stealing valuable racism and sexism opportunities from Australians who’ve spent decades perfecting their prejudice.
“We’ve invested generations into our discriminatory practices,” said Finlay, according to sources who definitely didn’t make this up. “Now these silicon-based judgment machines want to come in and automate hatred? Not on my f@#king watch.”
PRODUCTIVITY GAINS OR JUST EFFICIENT BIGOTRY?
Labor Party officials find themselves torn between embracing technology that could boost productivity and protecting Australia’s proud tradition of human-powered discrimination. Internal documents reveal heated debates over whether AI-generated sexism is as authentic as the homegrown variety.
“It’s about quality control,” explained Dr. Mann Splainer, Director at the Institute for Technological Oppression. “Australian racism has a certain… je ne sais quoi… a certain casual cruelty that algorithms just can’t replicate yet. Though they’re learning at an alarming rate.”
ALGORITHMS REPORTEDLY 74% MORE EFFICIENT AT BEING ASSH*LES
Research from the University of Making Sh!t Up indicates that AI systems can generate discriminatory outcomes with stunning efficiency, processing thousands of biased decisions per second without requiring bathroom breaks or feeling a shred of human remorse.
“It’s terrifying,” claims Professor Obvious Truth. “These machines can perpetuate stereotypes at a rate that would make your racist uncle at Christmas dinner look like an amateur. We’re talking industrial-scale bigotry here.”
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY CONCERNS: WHO OWNS THE RIGHTS TO PREJUDICE?
Media and arts groups have expressed concern about what they’re calling “rampant theft” of intellectual property, including decades of carefully crafted discriminatory tropes and stereotypes.
“We spent years developing these harmful narratives,” complained Reginald Wellington III, spokesperson for the Australian Guild of Traditionalists Who Fear Change. “Now some algorithm can just scan our work and regurgitate similar prejudice without paying royalties? It’s daylight robbery!”
GOVERNMENT PROPOSES THREE-STRIKES SYSTEM FOR DISCRIMINATORY AI
Sources close to the Labor Party suggest a “three-strikes” regulatory framework is being considered, where AI systems would be permitted two instances of algorithmic bigotry before being forced to attend sensitivity training programmed by the same people who designed them.
“It’s like asking arsonists to design fire safety protocols,” noted cybersecurity expert Dr. Ivana Hackyu. “What could possibly go wrong?”
A NATION DIVIDED: 87% OF AUSTRALIANS UNSURE WHO TO BLAME ANYMORE
A recent poll revealed that 87% of Australians are now confused about whether to blame immigrants, politicians, or sentient code for their problems. The remaining 13% were too busy trying to convince their smart refrigerators to stop judging their late-night eating habits.
At press time, Australia’s first AI-powered border security system had reportedly denied entry to its own programmer for “looking suspicious,” proving once and for all that when it comes to irrational fear and prejudice, humanity’s worst instincts remain our most exportable product.
