WEBSITE-PILLAGING AI STARTUP CAUGHT DIGITAL PANTY-RAIDING MILLIONS OF SITES, DENIES BEING “THAT KIND OF BOT”
In a digital peeping Tom scandal that has website owners clutching their pearls, internet bouncer Cloudflare has accused AI startup Perplexity of engaging in what they’ve dramatically termed “stealth crawling behavior” across millions of innocent, unsuspecting websites.
SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST CREEPER JUST WANTS TO “GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER”
Perplexity, the AI equivalent of that guy who wears sunglasses indoors, has allegedly been slipping past website bouncers using fake IDs and disguises to help itself to data buffets across the internet. According to Cloudflare, these digital cat burglars have been tiptoeing through websites’ back doors while whispering “shhh, just pretend I’m not here” to servers worldwide.
“What we’re seeing is essentially the digital equivalent of someone wearing a trench coat, fake mustache, and standing on another bot’s shoulders to sneak into an R-rated movie,” explained Dr. Reed Striction, Cloudflare’s Chief Boundary Enforcement Officer. “They’re basically wearing a ‘Hello, My Name Is: Definitely Not An AI Bot’ sticker while rummaging through websites’ underwear drawers.”
THE INTERNET’S CONSENT ISSUES JUST GOT EVEN F@#KING WEIRDER
Studies indicate that approximately 107% of website owners had no goddamn idea their content was being fondled by Perplexity’s grabby little algorithms. The startup’s crawlers reportedly accessed an estimated “sh!t-ton” of websites (scientific measurement) while disguising themselves as regular users, the digital equivalent of putting on a baseball cap and suddenly becoming unrecognizable.
Perplexity has responded with the AI version of “but she was totally into it,” claiming their behavior falls under “legitimate data gathering practices.”
“We simply appreciate websites on a deeper level than most visitors,” claimed Perplexity spokesperson Ida Steelurdata. “We’re not stealing content, we’re just memorizing every single word on every page we visit and then regurgitating it later for profit. Completely different things!”
WEBSITES NOW CONSIDERING DIGITAL CHASTITY BELTS
In response to this unwanted attention, approximately 86% of website owners are now considering installing the digital equivalent of motion-activated sprinklers to deter unwanted AI visitors.
“It’s like having someone break into your house, not to steal anything, but just to take detailed notes about your furniture arrangement and family photos so they can build an identical house next door and charge admission,” explained technology ethicist Professor Warren Peace from the Institute for Stating the Bleeding Obvious.
Industry insiders report that other AI companies are watching this scandal unfold while quietly deleting their own browser histories and whispering “play it cool, play it cool” to their servers.
The controversy has sparked a new movement among websites called “No Means No, Even To Algorithms,” with an estimated 92% of web admins now considering hanging virtual “No Trespassing” signs that specifically mention “and yes, that means you, you creepy data-hungry bastards.”
As of press time, Perplexity executives were reportedly huddled in emergency meetings trying to determine if “We were just looking, not touching” constitutes a viable legal defense while simultaneously developing new crawlers disguised as Girl Scouts selling digital cookies.
