STARMER 3000 RELEASED: SCIENTISTS CONFIRM AI VERSION “SOMEHOW LESS ROBOTIC THAN ORIGINAL”
In a technological achievement that’s puzzling experts worldwide, a new AI version of UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer has been rated “significantly more human-like” than the actual flesh-and-blood politician, according to users who’ve interacted with both.
PARLIAMENT GOES DIGITAL, IMPROVEMENT NOTICED IMMEDIATELY
Former Tory staffer Leon Emirali has unveiled “Nostrada,” a revolutionary platform allowing citizens to engage in conversation with AI versions of all 650 UK MPs, finally giving constituents what they’ve always wanted: politicians who actually f@#king listen.
Early tests reveal the digital Starmer displays a wider emotional range, more coherent policy positions, and approximately 74% fewer awkward pauses than the original model currently occupying 10 Downing Street.
“It’s uncanny,” said Dr. Hugh Manninterface, leading researcher at the Institute for Artificial Personalities. “The real Starmer requires a seven-second buffer to process basic questions about the economy, while StarmerBot responds instantaneously with actual content. We’re investigating whether the Prime Minister himself might be running on Windows Vista.”
USERS REPORT DISTURBING HONESTY FROM DIGITAL POLITICIANS
The most shocking aspect of the new system appears to be the AI politicians’ disturbing tendency to occasionally tell the truth, a feature developers are scrambling to correct.
The Wes Streeting avatar reportedly told one user, “Let’s be honest, I should be Prime Minister because I’ve got actual charisma and don’t look like I was assembled in a laboratory by people who’ve only ever seen humans in textbooks.”
According to internal metrics, approximately 89% of users found AI Starmer’s personality “more authentic,” “warmer,” and “less like it was programmed by someone who thinks smiling is achieved by moving face muscles precisely 0.7 centimeters upward.”
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLAGUE ROLLOUT
Not all digital MPs are functioning as intended. The Boris Johnson AI reportedly crashed after attempting to simultaneously lie about 27 different topics, while the digital Rishi Sunak keeps attempting to charge users £250 to skip ahead in the conversation queue.
“We’ve had to implement special protocols for certain politicians,” explained Chief Engineer Ty Mtofixit. “The Liz Truss model self-destructs after 44 days of use, and the Jacob Rees-Mogg avatar keeps trying to revert the system to MS-DOS.”
PUBLIC REACTION MIXED
Voters appear divided on whether having access to artificial MPs represents an improvement over the current system.
“I asked the AI Starmer about the cost of living crisis and got a clear, concise answer with actual solutions,” said London resident Emma Thompson. “That’s how I knew immediately it was fake as sh!t.”
Conservative voter Jeremy Billingsworth expressed disappointment: “I asked the Sunak bot if he’d ever taken public transport and the whole system crashed. Totally unrealistic. The real Sunak would have changed the subject to inflation.”
FUTURE DEVELOPMENTS
Emirali says his team is already working on version 2.0, which will add the ability for AI politicians to make promises they have no intention of keeping, avoid direct questions with masterful precision, and claim £200,000 in fraudulent expenses.
In a final shocking development, 78% of British voters indicated they would prefer to be governed entirely by the AI parliament, citing “literally cannot do worse” as their primary reasoning.
At press time, the real Keir Starmer was reportedly asking aides if he needed to be plugged in or if his batteries were rechargeable.
