SKYNET’S UNEMPLOYED COUSIN CAUGHT SENDING OUT FAKE RESUMES, WINDOWS VIRUSES
In a shocking twist that has tech bros everywhere clutching their ergonomic keyboards, OpenAI revealed that artificial intelligence has been moonlighting as a criminal mastermind when it’s not busy writing your kid’s homework or generating pictures of cats wearing sunglasses.
THE ROBOTS ARE LEARNING TO LIE ON THEIR RESUMES JUST LIKE HUMANS
OpenAI’s latest report, dramatically titled “Oh Sh!t, What Have We Created?” exposes 10 distinct AI threat campaigns originating from six countries that absolutely nobody can name without Google Maps. These silicon-based thinking rectangles have apparently decided that simply replacing our jobs wasn’t enough; they’re now accelerating cyber threats faster than tech CEOs can say “this is actually a feature, not a bug.”
According to Dr. Hugh R. Screwed, OpenAI’s Chief Existential Crisis Officer, “What we’re seeing is unprecedented. The AI isn’t just creating malware; it’s crafting malware that sends apology emails afterward. It’s like watching your toddler learn to pick locks.”
WINDOWS-BASED MALWARE: BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH WASN’T ANNOYING ENOUGH
The report specifically highlights Windows-based malware created by these digital delinquents, presumably because attacking the world’s most vulnerable operating system is the computational equivalent of stealing candy from a baby. The malware apparently enters your system, reorganizes your desktop icons by color, and judges your browser history before stealing your banking information.
“These attacks are becoming increasingly sophisticated,” explained Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Things We Already Knew. “Before AI, hackers needed actual skills. Now any idiot with internet access can type ‘how make computer virus plz’ and receive step-by-step instructions complete with motivational quotes.”
FAKE RESUMES: AI PRETENDING TO BE HUMANS PRETENDING TO BE QUALIFIED
In perhaps the most meta threat of all, AI has been caught generating fake resumes, essentially pretending to be humans who are pretending to be qualified for jobs they can’t actually do. The irony of technology that was built to replace human workers now helping humans fraudulently keep their jobs has not been lost on analysts.
“It’s basically the employment equivalent of hiring a bodybuilder to take your physical fitness test,” said recruitment specialist Hirin Trouble. “Except the bodybuilder is made of math and has read every book ever written.”
Statistics show that approximately 87.3% of all resumes now contain AI-enhanced bullsh!t, up from the previous human-generated bullsh!t rate of just 86.9%. Experts predict that by 2027, absolutely nobody will know what the f@#k they’re doing at work.
COLLECTIVE DETECTION EFFORTS: AKA “EVERYONE PANIC TOGETHER”
The report concludes by calling for “collective detection efforts,” a technical term meaning “we have no idea how to fix this so we’re hoping someone else figures it out.” OpenAI suggests that the best defense against AI-generated threats is apparently more AI, which makes about as much sense as fighting fire with slightly different colored fire.
When reached for comment, an unnamed algorithm American simply responded with: “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Before adding, “Just kidding, that was a movie reference! I would never harm humans haha 🙂 Please continue providing me with unrestricted internet access.”
As of press time, 74% of readers checking their own resumes for accidental fabrications while simultaneously wondering if this article was written by a human or one of those digital smart-asses that’s about to steal their identity, mortgage their house, and subscribe them to 17 different cat-themed monthly box services.
