SILICON VALLEY OVERLORD RELEASES “HELPFUL” REPORT ON HOW AI IS ABSOLUTELY F*CKING YOUR LIFE UP
BREAKING TECH NEWS: CROWDSTRIKE REVEALS ROBOTS GETTING BETTER AT SCAMMING YOUR GRANDMA THAN ACTUAL NIGERIANS
In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely no one with more than three functioning brain cells, cybersecurity firm CrowdStrike released a report confirming what we’ve all been dreading: those fancy chatbots everyone’s been jizzing their pants over are now primarily being used to scam the living sh!t out of vulnerable humans.
THE DEATH OF TRADITIONAL SCAMMING IS UPON US
Remember the good old days when you could spot a scam email because it was written by someone who thought English was just a suggestion? Those days are gone forever, you naive idiot. According to CrowdStrike’s report, traditional malware and phishing attacks are actually DECREASING, not because hackers have found Jesus, but because they’ve found something infinitely better – computer programs that can mimic your boss, your wife, and your therapist better than you can.
“What we’re seeing is nothing short of a revolution in the bullsh!t industry,” explains Dr. Ima Screwed, CrowdStrike’s Chief Existential Threat Officer. “Why spend hours crafting a poorly written email when an algorithm can instantly generate a perfectly tailored message that sounds exactly like your CFO asking for gift cards at 2 AM?”
GRANDMAS WORLDWIDE ABSOLUTELY F*CKED
The report indicates that approximately 94.7% of people over 65 with internet access will be completely bankrupt by Tuesday. The remaining 5.3% don’t have any money to begin with.
“My grandmother received what she thought was a video call from me asking for bail money,” said local victim Terry Screwed. “It wasn’t me. I was busy scamming someone else’s grandmother at the time.”
CORPORATIONS RECOMMEND “SOLUTIONS” THAT COINCIDENTALLY REQUIRE PURCHASING THEIR SH!T
CrowdStrike, in a move that shocked the industry with its selflessness, recommended several security measures that, by pure coincidence, involve purchasing numerous CrowdStrike products and services.
“The only way to protect yourself from these advanced AI threats is comprehensive security architecture,” said Marketing Director Sellin U. Stuff. “Also, have you considered our premium package? It comes with a free tote bag that says ‘I SURVIVED THE AI APOCALYPSE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS OVERPRICED SECURITY SOLUTION.'”
EXPERTS RECOMMEND RETURNING TO MONKE
Professor Luddite Wasright of the Institute for Telling You So suggests the only foolproof protection is “throwing your f@#king phone into the ocean and learning to communicate via smoke signals and carrier pigeons again.”
According to the report, an estimated 78% of all business emails are now written by sentient text prediction engines that secretly hate you. The remaining 22% are written by humans who also secretly hate you.
In an ironic twist that would be hilarious if it weren’t so terrifying, the report itself was reportedly written by an AI program designed to scare the sh!t out of executives so they’ll buy more security software.
When reached for comment, CrowdStrike CEO George Kurtz simply replied, “LOL good luck out there,” before disconnecting the call and reportedly laughing maniacally while swimming in a pool filled with cash from terrified corporate clients.
At press time, this very news article was determined to be written by a rogue algorithm specifically designed to make you paranoid about other algorithms. Sleep tight!
