World’s Brightest Minds Convene in San Francisco to Conclude A.I. Perfectly Safe After One Whole Hour of Discussion
SAN FRANCISCO—In an impressively brief yet utterly comprehensive meeting that could rival any overly enthusiastic team-building retreat, authorities from top-tier A.I. safety institutes have gathered in San Francisco to declare that Artificial Intelligence—a creation considered slightly more complex than a toaster—is probably totally safe.
Representatives from thrill-a-minute countries like the U.S., U.K., E.U., and even non-stop-party nations like Kenya and Singapore, came together to form the “International Network of AI Safety Institutes.” This coalition of the world’s finest worriers spent a whopping hour sitting in a San Francisco ballroom, thus solving the quandaries of A.I. safety with the efficiency of someone on a flash sale shopping spree.
“We’ve really come together as a global community. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when 27 highly caffeinated bureaucrats single-handedly thwart the rise of our potential A.I. overlords in under 60 minutes,” said a jubilant meeting organizer who requested anonymity, probably to dodge responsibility when this all goes to hell.
The summit was closed to the public, which is standard protocol when preventing future generations of Terminators. But insiders reveal that luminary discussions included riveting debates on whether any more policies than simply shouting “Please behave!” at rogue A.I. systems might be necessary. Spoiler: They concluded that’s usually enough.
Dr. Carla Nervosa from Australia declared, “We initially wanted to make sure A.I. doesn’t accidentally launch the nukes, create sky-networks, or, worse, cancel everyone’s Netflix subscriptions. We can confirm that thanks to our talks, none of these events will probably happen in the next couple of hours.”
While everyone agreed the meeting was pivotal—nearly as important as last year’s World Summit on Pencil Lead Policies—they also reached a consensus that A.I. safety discussions should probably be scheduled less frequently than lunar eclipses to maintain their mystique and excitement.
The close of the summit was celebrated with a complimentary buffet, where attendees enjoyed an array of sustainable choices and gluten-free pastries, ensuring that, if nothing else, the future leaders of automaton civilization are well-fed and equipped with responsible dietary preferences.
As the tired but relieved delegates head home, the world rests easy knowing that the specter of dangerous Artificial Intelligence has been thoroughly dealt with—or at least put into a committee for further study.
