Australia Stares Down AI Revolution Armed Only with Old PowerPoint Skills and Blind Optimism

In a move straight out of an apocalyptic sci-fi film we didn’t ask to participate in, Australia’s workforce is scrambling to keep up with the meteoric rise of artificial intelligence—which, according to experts, is leaving us all standing around like confused boomers trying to FaceTime their grandchildren. A report from Google and Accenture has unveiled a glaring “skills gap” between AI’s shiny new potential and the nation’s ability to do much more than ask ChatGPT for date night ideas.

While CEOs across the country sip artisanal lattes and beam with unwarranted confidence, claiming that “80 percent of our workforce is ready to ride the AI wave,” the employees themselves tell an entirely different story. Apparently, only 30 percent of workers believe they can “confidently embrace AI at work,” with the other 70 percent presumably too busy Googling, “What is AI???” to respond to the survey.

“I don’t know where these executives are getting their information,” said Cheryl Dunstable, a junior marketing associate who admitted she thought “machine learning” was just a fancy way to describe interns learning how to make coffee. “Last Friday, my boss told me to ‘leverage AI to optimize our customer sentiment analytics,’ and I spent three hours trying to figure out how to activate Clippy on our Excel sheets. Is that AI? Is Clippy now our boss?”

The C-suite obliviousness doesn’t end there. Steve Rasmussen, a self-proclaimed “AI visionary” and actual CFO, enthusiastically told reporters, “Our transition to AI-powered solutions has been seamless.” When pressed for details, Rasmussen gestured to a Roomba roaming their office lobby and stiffly added, “It’s learning our floor layout… very intelligent.”

Experts warn that Australia’s race to adopt AI without properly training its workforce could create a “digital dystopia” where machines dominate the workplace while humans spend their days pretending the unplugged office printer is broken just to delay inevitable obsolescence.

But not everyone is panicking. Minister for Technology and Innovation, Janet Cleghorn, downplayed concerns, saying, “Australians are born innovators. We’ve weathered challenges before! Remember when we thought Vegemite would make us all immortal? We’ll figure this out.” Cleghorn went on to announce a vaguely ambitious plan to bridge the skills gap, which includes a series of LinkedIn webinars titled, “What AI Can Do For You (And How To Avoid Looking Dumb When Asking).”

Meanwhile, workers like Brad Mitchell, a warehouse supervisor from Sydney, are exhausted from being gaslit about AI readiness. “Management keeps saying AI will make my life easier,” he said, massaging his temples while staring at a QR code he was supposed to ‘enhance’ somehow. “But last week, the AI ‘tool’ they gave me formatted all the inventory sheets in Wingdings font. I spent six hours crying in the forklift.”

The government is reportedly considering an “AI Skills Bootcamp” initiative, which sounds productive, except that early leaks reveal it primarily consists of motivational quotes like, “The Future is Now!” and a discussion panel featuring a sentient coffee machine named Brew-tron 3000. Workers are less than impressed.

“If this is their solution, we’re doomed,” said Dunstable. “I’m updating my résumé today. Just as soon as I can figure out how to make it sound like I know what artificial intelligence *is*.”

Brace yourselves, Australia. The future isn’t just here—it’s judging you for not reading the manual.