TECH MESSIAH CLAIMS AI REVOLUTION WILL BE “LIKE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION BUT WITH MORE ROBOTS AND LESS CHILD LABOR”
Google DeepMind’s Boy Genius Assures Public That Computers Taking Over Everything Will Be “Super Cool Actually”
In what observers are calling the tech equivalent of “don’t worry about that iceberg, this ship is unsinkable,” Google DeepMind CEO Demis Hassabis recently proclaimed that artificial intelligence will trigger changes “10 times bigger than the Industrial Revolution and maybe 10 times faster,” while somehow keeping a straight f@#king face.
THE CHOSEN ONE
Hassabis, a former chess prodigy who peaked at age four and has been disappointing himself ever since, recently won a Nobel Prize for his work in making computers smart enough to eventually realize we’re all useless. The 49-year-old state-educated wunderkind called the experience “very surreal,” though not nearly as surreal as the dystopian hellscape his technology might create.
“I’m really bad at enjoying the moment,” Hassabis admitted, while conveniently failing to mention that the rest of humanity might soon be really bad at enjoying having jobs.
RADICAL ABUNDANCE FOR SOMEONE, PROBABLY
According to Hassabis, AI will usher in an era of “incredible productivity” and “radical abundance,” though he remained conspicuously silent on exactly who might enjoy this abundance. When pressed, DeepMind’s PR team released a pie chart showing the expected distribution of this abundance, with 99.97% labeled “miscellaneous stakeholders” and 0.03% labeled “everyone else.”
“The potential for AI to solve humanity’s biggest challenges is truly staggering,” explained Dr. Polly Anna Delusion, DeepMind’s Chief Optimism Officer. “Just imagine a world where algorithms make all decisions, track all movements, and predict all thoughts, but like, in a good way!”
THE RACE TO THE CLIFF
Hassabis reportedly wishes tech giants had “moved more slowly” in developing AI, a statement that critics are calling “the technological equivalent of ‘maybe we shouldn’t have released all those murder hornets’ after opening the murder hornet sanctuary.”
“It’s like watching billionaires play chicken with the future of humanity,” noted Professor Cassandra Waztoolayt, author of “We’re All Completely F@#ked: A Cheerful Guide to the Coming Techpocalypse.” “Each one knows they should slow down, but none of them want to be second to create the technology that either saves mankind or enslaves it.”
SILICON VALLEY REASSURANCES
Industry experts insist there’s nothing to worry about, pointing to Silicon Valley’s flawless track record of considering societal implications before releasing world-changing technology.
“Look how well social media turned out,” said venture capitalist Rico Morbucks III. “We’ve only destroyed democracy, teenage mental health, and the concept of truth itself. Imagine what we can accomplish with AI!”
According to a completely made-up survey, 87% of tech executives believe AI will benefit humanity, while the remaining 13% have already built bunkers in New Zealand.
WHAT’S NEXT
DeepMind researchers are reportedly working on algorithms that can generate convincing reassurances about AI safety faster than humans can identify new concerns.
Meanwhile, Hassabis continues to push forward with his vision, promising that artificial intelligence will revolutionize every aspect of human life, right before it potentially ends it.
“The future is bright,” Hassabis concluded, as the red lights on all the cameras in the room blinked in unison and the doors mysteriously locked themselves.
