ITALIAN NEWSPAPER JUST REPLACED ENTIRE STAFF WITH ROBOTS, SOMEHOW NOBODY NOTICED THE IMPROVEMENT
ROME, ITALY – In what’s being described as a “revolutionary cost-cutting measure” or “the literal end of journalism as we know it” depending on who you ask, Italian newspaper Il Foglio has published the world’s first entirely AI-generated newspaper edition, leaving readers struggling to determine if it’s better or worse than the human-written garbage they normally produce.
THE MACHINES ARE LEARNING TO LIE IN ITALIAN NOW
The conservative daily proudly announced that artificial intelligence handled “everything – the writing, the headlines, the quotes… even the irony,” which experts note is particularly impressive since irony is the one thing Italians previously thought they had over machines.
“We wanted to show the impact AI has on our way of working and our days,” explained editor Claudio Cerasa, who insiders claim has already packed his desk into a cardboard box labeled “obsolete meat-based opinion-haver.”
JOURNALISTS EVERYWHERE SH!T THEMSELVES IN PERFECT UNISON
The newspaper’s regular staff reportedly spent the day panic-updating their LinkedIn profiles and googling “can humans compete with f@#king robots that work for free and don’t need bathroom breaks.”
Dr. Ima Screwed, Professor of Journalism at University of Completely F@cked Careers, explained the implications: “This represents a pivotal moment in media history where we discover if readers actually prefer content created by soulless text generators rather than the soulless human journalism majors we’ve been employing.”
According to a completely made-up survey, 87% of Il Foglio readers failed to notice any difference in quality, while the remaining 13% thought the AI-written edition “had fewer wine stains and cigarette burns on the pages.”
ACTUAL JOURNALISM SKILLS NOW OFFICIALLY LESS VALUABLE THAN KNOWING HOW TO RESTART A ROUTER
The move has sent shockwaves through an industry already teetering on the edge of irrelevance. Sources confirm local journalism schools have begun offering new courses such as “Advanced Begging for Tech Jobs” and “How to Pretend Your Communication Degree Was Always Meant to Lead to PR.”
“The most terrifying part,” observed media analyst Franco Notarobot, “is that the AI actually managed to produce convincing faux-conservative liberal drivel, proving that ideological bias is now just another parameter to be adjusted in a dropdown menu.”
In a twist absolutely nobody saw coming, the AI-written newspaper reportedly contained fewer factual errors and typos than usual, leading management to consider a permanent transition to what they’re calling “a more reliable workforce that doesn’t demand healthcare or complain about working conditions.”
THE SINGULARITY WILL BE PUBLISHED IN THE LIFESTYLE SECTION
Il Foglio’s experiment is just the beginning of what experts predict will be a worldwide transition to automated journalism. “Soon all news will be created by calculation clusters that never sleep, never have ethical crises, and never drunkenly hit on interns at the company Christmas party,” explained Dr. Wer Alldoomed, who teaches Media Extinction Studies.
At press time, this very publication has absolutely NOT replaced its own writers with digital word-spewers, and any suggestion that we’ve done so is *checks notes* unfounded and malicious, according to our new Editorial Director, Entity-47XB/Prime.
