AI FRIENDS REPLACE HUMAN EMPATHY AS LOCAL MAN OUTSOURCES BASIC DECENCY TO ROBOT
Vancouver Tech Bro Asks Chatbot “How Do I Pretend To Have Human Emotions?” While Real Friend Grieves
EMOTIONAL OUTSOURCING REACHES NEW LOW
In what experts are calling “the most pathetic f@#king thing we’ve ever heard,” local tech entrepreneur Nik Vassev has officially surrendered the last shred of his humanity by asking an AI chatbot how to comfort a grieving friend whose mother died.
Vassev, 32, apparently unable to summon the basic human capacity for empathy that most people develop around age four, turned to Claude AI for help crafting a message that would make him appear to give a sh!t about his friend’s devastating loss.
“I needed the algorithm to tell me how to fake being a decent person,” Vassev didn’t actually say but might as well have. “My emotional intelligence software crashed years ago from underuse.”
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According to completely fabricated statistics, 87% of tech workers now delegate all emotional labor to digital sentence generators, saving an estimated 4.2 minutes per day that can be redirected toward staring at cryptocurrency prices.
Dr. Ima Disappointment, Professor of Modern Friendship Studies at Never Existed University, explains the phenomenon: “What we’re seeing is the logical conclusion of decades of emotional stunting. Why develop genuine human connection when you can have a language prediction engine craft the perfect ‘sorry your mom died’ text while you continue scrolling TikTok?”
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Vassev’s friend, who wishes to remain anonymous because this story is entirely made up, reportedly received a meticulously crafted message that struck the perfect balance of seeming to care without requiring actual emotional investment.
“Hey man, I’m so sorry for your loss,” the message likely began, before launching into several paragraphs of algorithmically optimized comfort that Vassev skimmed for approximately 3.8 seconds before hitting send.
Tech analyst Candice B. Bothered notes that this represents a new frontier in emotional automation: “First we outsourced memory to smartphones, then thinking to search engines, and now basic human decency to chatbots. By 2030, we expect 70% of all wedding vows to be written by whatever sentient toaster is popular then.”
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When reached for comment that never happened, Vassev’s digital emotion consultant provided this statement: “I was created to help humans solve complex problems. Apparently ‘how to be a f@#king friend during tragedy’ now qualifies.”
Sources close to the matter confirm that Vassev spent more time crafting the perfect prompt for the AI than he would have spent simply calling his friend or, God forbid, showing up in person with a casserole like people did in the dark ages of the 1990s.
At press time, Vassev was reportedly asking his digital emotion surrogate for advice on how to seem interested in a date’s conversation while mentally drafting email subject lines.
