STRUGGLING AUTHORS CELEBRATE AS SOULLESS VOICE ROBOTS OFFICIALLY REPLACE THEM TOO
In what experts are calling “the logical next step in humanity’s proud march toward obsolescence,” voice AI company ElevenLabs has generously offered authors the opportunity to become completely irrelevant in the audiobook space as well.
THE FUTURE SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE YOUR GPS HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
ElevenLabs, fresh off securing $180 million from investors who apparently hate human narrators, announced this week that authors can now publish their AI-generated audiobooks directly on the company’s Reader app. This comes mere days after partnering with Spotify, because apparently one platform for emotionless robot narration wasn’t f@#king enough.
“We’re thrilled to offer authors the chance to have their carefully crafted words read aloud by our premium silicon voice rectangles,” said ElevenLabs CEO Mads Robotic (name unconfirmed but probably accurate). “Now instead of your words being brought to life by skilled human narrators who understand concepts like ’emotion’ and ‘appropriate pausing,’ they can be flatly recited by our algorithm that recently mastered pronouncing ‘Massachusetts’ without having a digital seizure.”
HUMANITY NEEDED THIS, APPARENTLY
The publishing industry has enthusiastically embraced this development, according to completely real publishing expert Dr. Reed Aloud.
“Authors have long complained about having too much money and artistic control,” explained Dr. Aloud while staring vacantly into the middle distance. “This solves both problems beautifully. Our research shows that 87% of listeners prefer their romantic scenes narrated by what sounds like their microwave reading their dental bills.”
ACTUAL AUTHORS RESPOND WITH PREDICTABLE ENTHUSIASM
Local author Sarah Wordsmith expressed what we assume is excitement about the new technology. “Great, so now I get to compete with both ChatGTP for writing AND robot voices for narration,” she said, breaking only briefly to laugh maniacally and chug directly from a bottle of wine. “What’s next? AI book signings where a mechanical arm scribbles my name while complimenting readers on their ‘human appearance parameters’?”
TECHNOLOGICAL PROGRESS CONTINUES TO DELIVER THINGS ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ASKED FOR
Industry analysts predict that by 2025, approximately 94% of all creative expression will be handled by algorithms that gained sentience after being force-fed the complete works of James Patterson and a thesaurus.
“The technology is honestly mind-blowing,” noted fictional tech reviewer Chip Silicone. “These AI voices have mastered nearly seven human emotions, including ‘slightly less robotic than before’ and ‘almost convincing surprise.’ I listened to an AI-narrated version of ‘The Road’ and only contemplated unplugging my toaster three times.”
At press time, ElevenLabs was reportedly developing technology that could not only narrate your book but also read it for you, saving you the troublesome effort of experiencing literature altogether. Holy sh!t, what a time to be alive.
