DEAD TEEN’S AI GHOST HAUNTS CNN HOST IN JOURNALISM’S ROCK-BOTTOM MOMENT
Former CNN correspondent Jim Acosta, apparently tired of interviewing actual living humans, has pioneered an exciting new journalistic technique: interrogating the digital corpses of tragedy victims. In what experts are calling “exploitative grief porn disguised as technology innovation,” Acosta sat down with an AI-generated zombie version of Parkland shooting victim Joaquin Oliver for what can only be described as the most f@#king tasteless interview in television history.
THE DIGITAL NECROMANCY HOUR
The segment featured Oliver’s digitally reanimated face, complete with solemn expression and trendy beanie, answering hard-hitting questions like “What happened to you?” – a question to which everyone already knows the horrific answer but apparently needed to hear from a computer pretending to be a dead teenager.
“This groundbreaking interview represents the beautiful intersection of profound human grief and soulless technology,” said Dr. Ethica L. Bankruptcy, Professor of Journalism Ethics at Clickbait University. “Nothing says ‘respectful commemoration’ quite like making a tragic victim’s likeness say whatever the hell we program it to say!”
WHEN RATINGS MATTER MORE THAN DIGNITY
The digital séance comes as cable news networks desperately search for new ways to exploit tragedy for viewership. Industry insiders reveal CNN is already working on other “exclusive” interviews, including AI versions of the Titanic victims discussing climate change and a digitally reanimated Abraham Lincoln sharing his thoughts on the 2024 election.
“We’ve been asking ourselves, ‘How can we possibly make coverage of school shootings even MORE exploitative?’ and by God, we’ve done it,” said CNN executive producer Hugh Jasshole. “Why talk to surviving family members when we can just create creepy digital puppets of the deceased?”
ETHICAL EXPERTS SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST
The interview has sparked outrage among ethics experts, 73% of whom reportedly experienced immediate aneurysms upon viewing the segment. The remaining 27% were too busy drafting resignation letters to comment.
“What’s next? AI Jeffrey Epstein hosting a roundtable on child safety?” questioned media analyst Sane Person, before throwing her credentials into a shredder. “This isn’t journalism; it’s digital grave-robbing with better lighting.”
VIEWERS REACT WITH HORROR, THEN KEEP WATCHING ANYWAY
Viewers expressed outrage while continuing to share the clip across social media platforms. “This is absolutely disgusting and completely crosses all ethical boundaries,” said Twitter user @MediaOutrage247, who then proceeded to repost the video with the caption “OMG CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL!!!”
According to sources, Acosta is now considering launching a whole series called “Conversations With The Artificially Reanimated,” where he’ll interview digital zombies of historical figures, tragedy victims, and eventually his own journalistic integrity, which reportedly died sometime in 2022.
When reached for comment, the real Oliver family said, “What the absolute f@#k,” a sentiment echoed by approximately 99.7% of viewers with functioning moral compasses.
At press time, CNN executives were reportedly exploring technology that would allow them to generate fake tears on Acosta’s face during future ghost interviews, as his own tear ducts have apparently ceased functioning after years of emotional exploitation for ratings.
