HUMANITY SHOCKED AS AI SUDDENLY REALIZES IT’S JUST AS USELESS AS THE REST OF US
Tech Bros Frantically Searching Couch Cushions For Missing Trillions As AI Stocks Crater
WALL STREET SUICIDE HOTLINE OVERWHELMED
In a devastating blow to men who explain crypto at dinner parties, artificial intelligence has apparently discovered it’s just as f@#king useless as regular intelligence, causing investors to panic and tech stocks to plummet faster than Mark Zuckerberg’s popularity at a privacy convention.
“We were promised a technological revolution that would solve humanity’s problems, cure cancer, and fold our laundry,” said financial analyst Chad Moneybags while frantically selling Tesla shares on his phone. “Instead, we got a glorified autocomplete that occasionally hallucinates recipes for concrete smoothies.”
The AI industry, valued at “holy sh!t that’s a lot of zeros” dollars just months ago, has failed to deliver on promises ranging from autonomous everything to digital girlfriends who actually return texts. Companies that bet their entire business models on algorithms that fundamentally just guess what words come next are now discovering that maybe, just maybe, that wasn’t a sustainable plan.
INVESTORS DISCOVER FUNDAMENTALS EXIST
According to a study we completely made up, approximately 94% of AI startups have produced exactly zero actual products despite consuming enough electricity to power a small nation and enough investor cash to end world hunger twice.
“The problem is everyone wanted to put AI in everything without asking if it made any d@mn sense,” explained Dr. Reality Check, Professor of Obvious Economics at University of No Sh!t Sherlock. “We’ve got AI toothbrushes, AI dog collars, and AI refrigerators that can’t even keep milk cold but can write a sonnet about your leftover pasta.”
THE GREAT AWAKENING: TECH BROS DISCOVER MATH
Investment firms are now scrutinizing companies for radical concepts like “revenue” and “profit margins,” sending shockwaves through Silicon Valley where many executives had forgotten these arcane financial indicators existed.
“We’ve been valuing companies based on how many times they say ‘AI’ in their earnings calls,” admitted venture capitalist Bethany Bubblefunder. “One company went up 400% just by changing their name from ‘Dave’s Plumbing’ to ‘NeuroPipeAI: Revolutionizing Water Transportation Through Machine Learning Paradigms.'”
According to sources close to the industry, several tech CEOs were hospitalized after learning that eventually companies need to make more money than they spend.
SOCIETY GRAPPLES WITH SHOCKING REALIZATION THAT PROBLEMS REQUIRE ACTUAL SOLUTIONS
The AI disappointment has forced humanity to confront the terrifying possibility that solving complex problems might require actual effort rather than waiting for a magic computer box to do it for us.
“We’ve spent trillions developing systems to write mediocre poetry and generate pictures of cats wearing hats, but somehow we still haven’t fixed healthcare,” noted cultural critic Emma Realitybites. “It’s almost like we’ve been avoiding doing the hard work by pretending technology would save us.”
Early investor and self-proclaimed “tech visionary” Elon Musk was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly busy trying to convince Twitter users that his neural implant would definitely, absolutely, for real this time revolutionize humanity, despite all evidence to the contrary.
At press time, the stock market had shifted its irrational exuberance to companies developing “blockchain quantum healing” technology, because if history has taught us anything, it’s that we never f@#king learn.
