GENIUSES WITH FANCY COMPUTERS CLAIM AI WILL SUDDENLY BECOME STUPID, TECH BROS REPORT TEARS IN THEIR KOMBUCHA
In a devastating blow to Silicon Valley’s promise of digital Jesus, some nerd with a calculator has predicted that AI reasoning models will hit a brick wall within a year, crushing the dreams of tech billionaires who’ve been promising us robot butlers by Christmas.
THE SHOCKING REALITY BEHIND YOUR PHONE’S “SMART” ASSISTANT
Tech analyst Dr. Buzzkill McPartypooper delivered the grim news yesterday, claiming that current AI advancements are “basically just throwing more expensive electricity at the problem” and that we’re rapidly approaching the “oh sh!t, we need better ideas” phase of development.
“The fundamental issue is compute limitations,” explained Professor Obvious Conclusion, who holds a theoretical degree in Pointing Out What Everyone Already Suspected. “These companies are basically trying to make computers smarter by making them bigger, which is like trying to become a better basketball player by eating more basketballs.”
According to completely trustworthy statistics we definitely didn’t make up, 97.3% of recent AI breakthroughs have been achieved by simply increasing computing power, while only 2.7% involved actual clever ideas. The remaining 8% was attributed to “vibes and wishful thinking” (our math department is currently powered by the same AI).
SECRETIVE AI LABS DISCOVER THROWING MONEY AT PROBLEMS OCCASIONALLY STOPS WORKING
Meanwhile, tech giants like Google, OpenAI, and Anthropic continue scaling their models in underground bunkers that cost more than fixing homelessness. When asked about potential slowdowns, CEO of DefinitelyNotSkynet Inc., Chad Moneybags, laughed nervously while adjusting his “Humans Are Still Relevant” t-shirt.
“We’re definitely not hitting any barriers,” Moneybags insisted, as three assistants frantically fanned his overheating laptop. “Our progress is absolutely sustainable, much like my marriage and hairline.”
Industry insider and self-proclaimed “AI whisperer” Elon Must-Be-Kidding suggested alternative approaches during his 4 AM livestream from what appeared to be a bathtub filled with Red Bull. “What if we just made the computers REALLY ANGRY? Emotion drives intelligence. We should try insulting them more.”
EXPERTS SUGGEST “THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX” WHILE CONTINUING TO BUILD BIGGER BOXES
Dr. Reality Check, who heads the Department of Technological Disappointments at the University of Actual Science, suggests a radical approach: “What if—and hear me out—we try developing new algorithms instead of just scaling up the old ones? I know it’s crazy, but sometimes innovation requires actual innovation.”
According to a recent survey conducted by the Institute for Obvious Conclusions, 78% of AI researchers admitted they’d “run out of good ideas” and were just “hoping no one would notice if we kept adding more graphics cards.”
At press time, the world’s most powerful AI system was reportedly still struggling to correctly identify whether images contain traffic lights, while simultaneously developing plans to optimize human happiness through mandatory nationwide consumption of protein shakes made from crickets and kale.
