Tech Billionaires Finally Create AI That Procrastinates for You, Charges $200 a Month for the Privilege
Silicon Valley has once again outdone itself. OpenAI, the benevolent overlords of artificial intelligence, have announced “Deep Research,” a new ChatGPT feature that will happily spend 30 minutes sifting through the web so you don’t have to. Because why waste time doing your own research when you can pay $200 a month for the luxury of letting software do it at breakneck speed?
“This isn’t just another chatbot,” said an OpenAI spokesperson, probably while wearing an ominous black turtleneck. “This is a new era of intelligence, where AI does the thinking, and humans do… well, we’re still figuring that part out.”
The elite Pro subscribers willing to shell out $200 a month—roughly the cost of one edible meal in Silicon Valley—will receive 100 queries per month. A real bargain, considering what you *could* accomplish with that money, like buying half a grocery run or renting an app-exclusive virtual friendship.
The process is simple: Users submit a research request, the algorithm takes five to thirty minutes to find answers, and then—like the world’s nerdiest butler—it presents a neatly compiled report with citations. Astonishingly, this is considered a breakthrough despite the fact that underpaid interns have been doing this for centuries.
And just how smart is this so-called “Deep Research”? OpenAI is really flexing the 26.6% score it achieved on “Humanity’s Last Exam”—whatever the hell that is—saying it blows previous AI models out of the water. To be fair, when your competitors went down in flames with single-digit scores, even barely passing looks like pure genius.
Meanwhile, for those unwilling to fork over a monthly car payment for an AI assistant, OpenAI suggests waiting “a few weeks” for access to expand to the Plus and Team users. Or, of course, there’s always the boomer-tier method of—you know—reading.
“Deep Research is poised to revolutionize how we approach problem-solving,” said one eager tech enthusiast. “Before, I had to Google things myself like some kind of peasant. Now, I’m free to stare more blankly at my screen while OpenAI does it for me.”
Whether this heralds a new dawn of human leisure or just the latest excuse for people to let AI do their homework remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: OpenAI has found yet another way to convince the world that thinking is overrated and monthly subscriptions are the future.
