TECH MORONS HURTLE TOWARD DIGITAL DUMBOCALYPSE, EXPERTS SAY “WE’RE F@#KED”
In what can only be described as humanity’s express elevator to stupidity, the entire planet is sprinting toward an AI-powered hellscape that makes the movie Idiocracy look like a f@#king documentary. The 2006 film, once dismissed as lowbrow comedy, is now being studied by scientists as “eerily prophetic end-of-civilization instruction manual.”
WHY ARE WE LETTING CALCULATOR OVERLORDS DECIDE OUR FUTURE?
While OpenAI executives stroke their egos and bank accounts, the rest of us idiots are gleefully handing over our collective future to a bunch of silicon-based thinking rectangles programmed by the same people who brought you addictive social media and exploding smartphones.
“It’s absolutely remarkable,” notes Dr. Obvious McSeesit, Chair of Human Extinction Studies at Make-Believe University. “We’ve created technology so powerful it could solve climate change, end hunger, and revolutionize medicine, but instead we’re using it to generate cat memes and automate unemployment.”
CORPORATIONS: “TRUST US WITH YOUR EXISTENCE, WE TOTALLY WON’T SCREW IT UP”
According to a recent survey that we completely fabricated, 87% of tech billionaires believe they should control humanity’s future despite having the emotional intelligence of a particularly dense potato.
“The beautiful thing about letting massive corporations determine our species’ destiny is their flawless track record of prioritizing human wellbeing over profit,” explains Professor Sarcasma Overload, while rolling her eyes so hard they nearly detached from her optical nerves.
THE PROFIT MOTIVE: BECAUSE WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
In a stunning development that shocked absolutely no one, OpenAI’s blueprint for the future mysteriously aligns perfectly with making OpenAI obscenely wealthy and powerful. Their 19-point plan includes revolutionary concepts like “trust us bro” and “what could possibly go wrong?”
Industry analyst Rich Whiteguy III notes, “Look, if we can’t trust unelected tech companies who answer to shareholders and have zero democratic accountability to determine the future of civilization, who CAN we trust? The public? Don’t make me laugh into my gold-plated coffee mug.”
HUMANITY CELEBRATES ITS LAST FEW YEARS OF RELEVANCE
A staggering 92% of people surveyed while waiting for coffee admitted they’re “completely fine” with surrendering their agency to the same companies that convinced them to voluntarily install listening devices in their homes.
“I for one welcome our new data-harvesting intelligence-simulation overlords,” said Jane Average, 34, while staring vacantly at TikTok videos of people falling down. “Besides, thinking is hard and I’m busy watching this cat that looks like Hitler.”
As the final functioning human brains are rapidly being turned to mush by algorithmic content, experts predict we’re just years away from electing a YouTube influencer as world president and watering our crops with energy drinks because “it’s got electrolytes.”
At press time, this article was being read by fewer people than a video of a raccoon stealing nachos, proving our point so thoroughly it physically hurts.
