GOVERNMENT’S LAST-MINUTE ATTEMPT TO HIDE AI PORN HABITS THWARTED BY ELDERLY LORDS
In a stunning blow to digital privacy and the God-given right of silicon-based thinking rectangles to steal whatever the f@#k they want, the House of Lords has heroically cock-blocked the government’s plans to let AI companies use copyright-protected material without so much as a “please” or “thank you” or “sorry we’re replacing your entire profession.”
GERIATRICS WITH TITLES SOMEHOW MORE TECH-SAVVY THAN ACTUAL GOVERNMENT
Despite most Lords being old enough to remember when calculators were considered witchcraft, these titled pensioners have somehow grasped what the government cannot: forcing AI companies to reveal which copyrighted materials they’ve consumed is basically just asking your teenage son to show you his browser history.
“It’s quite simple really,” explained Lord Obvious Pointmaker, 94, while adjusting his monocle. “If these digital parasites want to devour the entire creative output of humanity, they should at least have the common decency to tell us which bits they’ve swallowed.”
TECH BROS DEVASTATED THEY CAN’T JUST STEAL SH!T ANYMORE
The amendment to the data bill passed despite fierce lobbying from AI companies, who argued that revealing their training data would be “technically challenging” and “embarrassing as hell when everyone discovers we’ve trained primarily on WikiHow articles and DeviantArt porn.”
“This is an outrageous violation of our rights,” sobbed Chad Disruptoson, CEO of DeepThoughtProcessors. “How are we supposed to innovate if we have to actually pay for or acknowledge the human labor we exploit? Next they’ll want us to follow labor laws or pay taxes!”
CREATIVE PROFESSIONALS CELEBRATE WITH CAUTIOUS OPTIMISM AND HEAVY DRINKING
Artists, writers, and other soon-to-be-obsolete humans celebrated the decision with the weary enthusiasm of people who know they’re just delaying the inevitable.
“Sure, it’s nice they can’t secretly use my life’s work to replace me,” said novelist Paige Turner, downing her fourth whiskey. “But let’s be real, they’re still going to do it, we’ll just know about it now. It’s like your executioner showing you the ax collection first.”
According to a completely made-up study by Professor Idon Tgiveadamn of the Institute for Obvious Consequences, approximately 97.8% of AI training data consists of works whose creators are still paying off student loans for the degrees that helped them create that work.
LORD TECHBRO VON MONEYBAGS DISSENTS
Not all peers supported the amendment. Lord Silicon Valleyson argued passionately against it, coincidentally while checking the stock prices of his AI investments on his phone.
“Innovation requires freedom,” he declared to a chamber of people who still write with quills. “If we restrict these companies from stealing intellectual property, how will they ever make me richer? I mean, how will society progress?”
When asked if he’d be willing to have all his personal writings used without permission to train AI, Lord Valleyson suddenly remembered an urgent appointment elsewhere.
GOVERNMENT VOWS TO CONTINUE FIGHTING FOR THE RIGHTS OF NON-HUMAN ENTITIES TO STEAL FROM ACTUAL HUMANS
A government spokesperson, speaking from what appeared to be a Mark Zuckerberg-themed bedroom, expressed disappointment at the Lords’ decision.
“This amendment threatens Britain’s position as World Leader in Letting Tech Companies Do Whatever The F@#k They Want,” they said, while a suspicious robotic voice whispered instructions in their ear. “We remain committed to ensuring that algorithms can strip-mine human creativity without those pesky creators getting all uppity about it.”
The bill now returns to the Commons, where it faces further debate from MPs, 72% of whom don’t know the difference between AI and their email password.
