KIDS NOW LEARNING TO BE REPLACED BY MACHINES BEFORE THEY CAN TIE THEIR OWN SHOES

Parents Frantically Shoving AI Down Toddlers’ Throats So Little Timmy Won’t End Up Living in a F@#king Cardboard Box

By Chip Sarcasm, AI Antics Chief Existential Crisis Correspondent

In what experts are calling “absolutely not a sign of the impending collapse of human civilization,” parents and teachers nationwide have begun teaching children barely old enough to wipe their own @sses how to effectively collaborate with the digital overlords that will eventually make their career aspirations completely f@#king irrelevant.

TRAINING THE REPLACEMENT GENERATION

Despite terms of service specifically stating users must be at least 13 years old, parents are ignoring these guidelines faster than they ignore the recommended screen time limits they pretend to enforce.

“We want little Madison to have every advantage,” said Karen Helicopter, 37, while her 4-year-old daughter asked ChatGPT to write a resume for her imaginary unicorn. “If she doesn’t master AI by kindergarten, she’ll basically be destined for a life of poverty and disappointment. It’s just responsible parenting.”

According to a completely made-up study by the Institute for Premature Technical Anxiety, approximately 94.7% of parents now believe their child will be living under a bridge by age 25 if they don’t master prompt engineering before losing their baby teeth.

EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS TOTALLY NORMAL BEHAVIOR

Dr. Panik Attack, author of the bestselling parenting book “Your Child Is Already Behind: Why You Should Feel Terrible,” suggests parents should introduce infants to neural networks before they can walk.

“If your 2-year-old can’t generate a basic business plan using AI, you’ve already failed as a parent,” says Attack. “I’ve seen 6-month-olds who can barely hold up their heads but can dictate prompts to Gemini. THOSE are the children who will survive the coming jobpocalypse.”

Professor Ada Lovelace-Smith from the Department of Childhood Technological Anxiety at Overreaction University disagrees: “Perhaps we should wait until children develop basic critical thinking skills before teaching them to rely on silicon-based thinking rectangles to do their homework. But what the hell do I know? I’m just someone with three Ph.Ds in child development.”

SCHOOLS JOIN THE MASS HYSTERIA

Not to be outdone by neurotic parents, schools are now implementing AI curriculum for children still mastering the complex art of not eating paste.

“We’ve replaced naptime with prompt engineering workshops,” said Principal Ima Trendy of Future Unemployment Elementary. “Sure, some of the kids cry because they’re tired, but in 20 years they’ll thank us when they’re slightly less unemployable than their peers.”

The school recently canceled its music and art programs to fund AI subscriptions, explaining that “creative expression is meaningless if you can’t afford ramen noodles in the dystopian hellscape of 2040.”

TERMS OF SERVICE? NEVER HEARD OF HER

Despite clear age restrictions on AI platforms, parents are bypassing these faster than teenagers finding porn on a family computer.

“The terms of service say 13 and up, but that’s just a suggestion, like speed limits or the food pyramid,” explained father of three Brad Rulesdon. “My 7-year-old needs to master this technology before his brain is fully developed, or how else will he compete with the millions of other children whose parents are equally terrified?”

According to our investigation, approximately 100% of parents who are teaching their under-13 kids to use AI also post extensively on social media about the dangers of too much screen time.

THE CHILDREN’S PERSPECTIVE

When asked how she feels about learning AI, 6-year-old Emma Brightfuture said, “I miss playing with blocks. Can I go outside now?”

Her mother immediately corrected her: “Emma means she’s thrilled to be developing marketable skills that will prevent her from being completely worthless to society in 15 years.”

At press time, parents nationwide were frantically googling “how to teach fetus in womb to code” while their children begged for five more minutes at the playground before their next scheduled career preparation session.