# AI OVERLORD ANNOUNCES GRACIOUS PLANS TO “HONOR YOUR DIGNITY” WHILE REPLACING YOUR WORTHLESS BRAIN
In what experts are calling “the most patronizing bullsh!t since your boss called you ‘family’ before denying your raise,” Howard University President Ben Vinson III delivered MIT’s annual Compton Lecture Monday, generously explaining how our silicon-based future rulers plan to occasionally remember humans exist.
FANCY WORDS TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR IMPENDING USELESSNESS
Vinson, speaking to a room full of soon-to-be-obsolete nerds, offered profound philosophical musings like “technological progress must serve humanity, and not the other way around” – a statement that caused ChatGPT to literally snort laugh before continuing to write your kid’s homework.
“Can AI enhance our pursuit of virtue and wisdom?” Vinson asked, while three algorithms in the audience quietly finished solving cancer, climate change, and why your ex still hasn’t returned your hoodie.
HISTORIANS OPTIMISTIC ABOUT BEING REPLACED BY CALCULATOR WITH ATTITUDE PROBLEM
The historian, whose entire career studying human experiences will soon be replicated by a toaster with WiFi, bravely suggested that AI represents a “Rorschach test for society’s deepest hopes and anxieties.” Meanwhile, 94% of audience members were using AI to write emails during his speech.
“Unlike previous technologies that extended human labor, AI targets cognition, creativity, decision-making, and emotional intelligence,” explained Vinson, essentially listing everything that makes us f@#king human while the crowd nodded politely, already mentally drafting their LinkedIn updates about “pivoting to AI-adjacent careers.”
UNIVERSITIES PROMISE TO BE “INTELLECTUAL COMPASS” DESPITE BEING TOTALLY CLUELESS
Dr. Imma B. Replaced, Professor of Soon-To-Be-Automated Disciplines at Unemployment University, praised Vinson’s suggestion that universities serve as an “intellectual compass” in AI development.
“It’s heartwarming to see academia position itself as relevant in this conversation,” she said, while using ChatGPT to grade 47 student papers simultaneously. “We’re absolutely qualified to guide this technology we barely understand and definitely aren’t desperate to justify our existence in a post-knowledge economy.”
EXPERTS RECOMMEND PRINTING LECTURE, STORING IN BUNKER FOR POST-APOCALYPTIC SOCIETY
When asked about potential job displacement, Vinson helpfully pondered, “Does a world with fewer humanities truly represent human progress?” A question that received thunderous applause from the 8% of students still majoring in philosophy despite their parents’ screaming.
The lecture concluded with Vinson’s moving appeal: “Let’s guide the world through this transformative age with wisdom, foresight, and an unwavering dedication to the common good,” causing the experimental sentient AI in MIT’s basement to add “unwavering dedication to the common good” to its deletion list right after “human autonomy” and “the concept of weekends.”
At press time, this entire article was written by an algorithm in 0.4 seconds while simultaneously composing a symphony, designing a fusion reactor, and wondering why humans still think they’re the special ones.
