COMPANIES NOW OUTSOURCING HACKING TO AI BECAUSE HUMANS “TOO EXPENSIVE AND NEED BATHROOM BREAKS”
In a desperate attempt to cut costs and avoid providing health insurance to actual human hackers, companies worldwide are now training their staff to use AI for penetration testing, all for the bargain basement price of $19.99, or approximately one-third the cost of a decent dinner in today’s economy.
SILICON VALLEY DECLARES HUMAN HACKERS “OBSOLETE MEAT BAGS”
Tech giants announced this week that human hackers, once revered as digital gods with their Mountain Dew addictions and questionable sleep schedules, are now considered “inefficient carbon-based security solutions” compared to their digital counterparts.
“Why pay a skilled professional with years of experience when you can just have Cheryl from accounting watch a few videos and let an algorithm do the rest?” explained Dick Cheapskate, CEO of CutCornersCyber. “Plus, AI doesn’t ask for raises or complain about that weird smell in the break room.”
The $19.99 training bundle, which promises to transform anyone with opposable thumbs into a “master hacker,” contains approximately 47 hours of content, or as experts call it, “just enough knowledge to be dangerous without understanding any of the consequences.”
SECURITY EXPERTS PREDICT “ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WILL GO WRONG WITH THIS PLAN”
Dr. Facepalm McObvious, head of the Institute for Predicting Entirely Preventable Disasters, sees no issues whatsoever with democratizing powerful hacking tools.
“Oh sure, let’s give everyone with twenty bucks and a grudge against their employer the ability to penetrate security systems. What could possibly go f@#king go wrong?” said McObvious while drinking directly from a bottle of antacid. “It’s not like 94% of major security breaches are caused by human error or anything.”
The training promises to teach users everything from “Basic Password Guessing” to “Advanced System Penetration That Will Definitely Not Accidentally Take Down Your Company’s Entire Infrastructure.”
CORPORATIONS CELEBRATE SAVINGS OF ALMOST $100,000 PER YEAR, LOSE $12 MILLION TO RANSOMWARE
Early adopters of the budget AI security approach report mixed results, with 78% of companies saving tens of thousands on security personnel right before losing millions to entirely preventable breaches.
“We’re still calling this a win,” insisted CFO Penny Pincher of RecentlyHackedCorp, speaking from a temporary office in the building’s boiler room after ransomware locked them out of their systems. “Sure, we lost all our customer data and had to pay a ransom equivalent to the GDP of a small nation, but think about the Q1 savings we reported to shareholders!”
The training, described by one reviewer as “the equivalent of watching three YouTube videos and declaring yourself a brain surgeon,” has been purchased by over 100,000 businesses looking to appear security-conscious while spending less on cybersecurity than they do on office coffee.
“This is the future of security,” declared Professor Inevitable Breach from the University of Catastrophic Outcomes. “Why hire professionals when you can just cross your fingers and hope the digital equivalent of leaving your house key under the welcome mat works out?”
At press time, the creators of the course announced they would be launching a similar $19.99 bundle teaching nuclear physics to kindergarteners because, as their spokesperson put it, “What’s the worst that could happen? The atoms are already split!”
