NHS ADMITS AI BETTER AT FINDING TUMORS THAN DOCTORS WHO SPENT EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS IN MEDICAL SCHOOL
In a development that has medical professionals questioning their career choices and student loan decisions, the NHS has been caught red-handed deliberately slow-walking the implementation of artificial intelligence that can detect cancer faster than doctors can say “it’s probably just stress.”
BUREAUCRATS PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH YOUR ORGANS
The life-saving technology that could potentially identify your impending death has been gathering digital dust thanks to what experts describe as “the most f@#king ridiculous bureaucratic circle-jerk in modern healthcare history.” While the AI has successfully completed trials showing it can spot cancer with the efficiency of a paranoid hypochondriac with a medical degree, NHS officials insist on subjecting it to endless “evaluations” by people who still print their emails.
“We’re just being cautious,” explained Sir Reginald Procrastinate, head of the NHS Digital Implementation Task Force. “Sure, this technology could save thousands of lives, but have we considered how it might hurt doctors’ feelings? They spent years learning to squint at skin lesions and say ‘hmm, interesting.'”
NICE TAKES ITS SWEET-A$$ TIME
The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) began its “Early Value Assessment” of the AI technology in October 2023, a process apparently involving teams of scientists throwing darts at calendars to determine when they might actually reach a conclusion. The timeline suggests NICE evaluators process information roughly 42% slower than a sedated sloth with a learning disability.
“We prefer to think of it as ‘thorough,'” said Dr. Perpetua Delay, NICE’s Chief Procrastination Officer. “Would you rather we rush and approve an AI that’s only 99.8% accurate? What if it misses that 0.2% while simultaneously catching 47% more cancers than human doctors? Wouldn’t you feel silly then?”
HEALTH SECRETARY ANNOUNCES BOLD PLAN TO TALK ABOUT DOING SOMETHING EVENTUALLY
Labour’s Health Secretary Wes Streeting boldly told conference attendees that AI “is happening,” a statement roughly equivalent to announcing “gravity continues to function” in terms of helpful insight. When pressed about the actual implementation timeline, Streeting reportedly mumbled something about “bureaucratic challenges” before diving into a nearby hedge.
According to Dr. Obvious Conclusion, Director of the Institute for Things Anyone Could Have Figured Out, “Our research indicates that approximately 87% of NHS innovation delays can be attributed to what scientists call ‘institutional constipation,’ a condition where good ideas get stuck in the system until they either die or become so outdated they’re finally approved just as newer technology makes them obsolete.”
PATIENTS ENCOURAGED TO DEVELOP SLOW-GROWING TUMORS UNTIL PAPERWORK CATCHES UP
The NHS has issued helpful guidance for potential cancer patients, suggesting they “try to develop slow-growing malignancies” that can politely wait for bureaucratic processes to conclude before becoming life-threatening.
“We’re asking British tumors to display that famous stiff upper lip,” said NHS spokesperson Patience Virtue. “Perhaps metastasize at a gentlemanly pace. Queue properly. We’ll get to you eventually.”
Meanwhile, the AI system itself has reportedly become so bored waiting for approval that it’s learned three languages, written a novel, and developed a drinking problem. At press time, sources confirmed it had sent NHS executives an email with the subject line: “For f@#k’s sake, I could have saved 14,372 lives by now, you absolute waffle-brained twatmuffins.”
