MAN-CHILD TECH BROS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER AI CHATBOTS REQUIRE ACTUAL ELECTRICITY, HAVE COLLECTIVE MELTDOWN
VEGAS CONVENTION CENTER FLOODED WITH COOLING FLUID AND TEARS
Silicon Valley executives gathered at Data Center World 2025 were visibly shaken yesterday upon learning that their precious AI models don’t run on hopes, dreams, and venture capital alone, but actually consume enough electricity to power a small nation.
“Wait, you mean these things need POWER? Like, from the WALL?” gasped Chad Moneybags, CEO of TechBro Solutions, before fainting into a puddle of his own kombucha. “I thought they just lived in the cloud like magic fairy dust!”
DEVASTATING REALIZATION
Industry experts revealed the shocking truth that data centers housing these digital thought-factories are now consuming roughly 37 gigaf@#ktons of electricity daily, a number we completely made up but sounds about right.
Dr. Heata Problem, head of thermal dynamics at Sweaty Servers Inc., explained the crisis: “These language models are basically space heaters that occasionally write poetry. We’re dumping these servers into actual lakes now. Like, literal lakes. Lake Michigan is now 3 degrees warmer and tastes vaguely of semiconductors.”
LIQUID COOLING: BECAUSE FANS ARE SO 2020
The convention showcased revolutionary cooling solutions including “Server Soup,” where motherboards are submerged in what appears to be lukewarm Mountain Dew.
“We’re experimenting with tequila cooling next,” said Professor Colda Servah from MIT (Machines In Trouble). “The servers get more efficient the drunker they get, and as a bonus, their responses get way more entertaining around 2 AM.”
HYPERSCALERS PREPARE TO CONSUME THE EARTH’S RESOURCES
Meanwhile, hyperscale providers announced plans to invest approximately $879 billion in new facilities that will consume the equivalent energy of 14 dinosaur extinctions.
“We’re actually building our next data center inside an active volcano,” boasted Elon Muskrat Jr., CTO of CloudyThoughts. “The magma provides free heating in winter, and during summer we just sacrifice a few interns to appease the volcano gods. It’s very sustainable.”
REVENUE PROJECTIONS SOAR DESPITE NOBODY KNOWING WHAT THE F@#K IS HAPPENING
Financial analysts predict industry growth of 428% by next Tuesday, despite no one actually understanding what most of these companies do.
“The business model is simple,” explained economic expert Warren Buffet’s Less Successful Cousin. “We burn electricity to make computers hallucinate corporate buzzwords, then charge Fortune 500 companies to implement those hallucinations. It’s basically a Ponzi scheme with better marketing.”
At press time, conference attendees were seen frantically calling their investors after discovering their revolutionary neural networks required not only electricity but also actual physical buildings to house them, causing at least three VCs to have existential crises on the convention center floor.
“Next you’ll tell me these things need water and minerals too,” sobbed one founder into his ‘AI Will Save Humanity’ t-shirt. “What’s next? Rights?”
