DUMB-AS-ROCKS AI FINALLY NEEDS “LIFE COACH” TO HELP IT FIGURE OUT WHEN TO USE A F@#KING CALCULATOR
MIT researchers have created what amounts to a digital babysitter for the world’s most advanced thinking machines after discovering these so-called “intelligent” systems can’t figure out if 9.9 is bigger than 9.11 without someone holding their virtual hand.
MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR AI SYSTEMS DEFEATED BY THIRD-GRADE MATH
In what experts are calling “embarrassingly obvious,” scientists discovered that artificial intelligence models trained on trillions of words still can’t reliably perform tasks that the average 8-year-old human mastered before lunch. The solution? Another AI that essentially screams “USE CODE FOR THIS, YOU SILICON DIPSH!T” whenever math problems appear.
“It’s like having a Harvard professor who can recite Shakespeare but needs help tying their shoes,” explains Dr. Obvious McPointout, lead researcher at the Department of No-Sh!t Studies. “These language models are simultaneously brilliant and catastrophically stupid.”
INTRODUCING THE WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE CALCULATOR ASSISTANT
The new system, called “CodeSteer,” acts like an exasperated parent telling their gifted-but-clueless child to just use the damn calculator already. When a large language model starts to solve a math problem by thinking about the “emotional weight” of the number 7, CodeSteer intervenes before things get worse.
“We’ve spent approximately $100 million to develop a system that essentially says ‘try Python’ whenever an AI encounters a problem involving numbers,” says Yongchao Chen, who reportedly drank heavily while explaining his research. “This is what my PhD has come to.”
ACCURACY SKYROCKETS WHEN AI STOPS BEING PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT BASIC ARITHMETIC
Tests show the system boosted accuracy from 53.3% to 86.4%, which researchers call “revolutionary” but normal humans call “still worse than my phone calculator.” The improvement comes from the groundbreaking technique of “using the right tool for the job,” a concept apparently foreign to systems trained on the entire internet.
“Before CodeSteer, asking an AI to multiply two numbers was like watching someone try to hammer a nail with a banana,” explains Professor Idon Tcare of MIT. “Now it’s more like watching someone use a slightly smaller banana that occasionally resembles a hammer.”
EXPERTS SHOCKED THAT DIGITAL BRAINS NEED DIGITAL BRAIN COACHES
According to industry analyst Mira Obvious, the development represents a paradigm shift in artificial intelligence. “We’ve moved from ‘AI will replace all human jobs’ to ‘AI needs another AI to tell it when to use a calculator app,'” she explains. “It’s truly humbling to watch a system worth millions struggle with problems my nephew solves between TikToks.”
The research team believes CodeSteer could eventually help AI systems tackle truly complex problems, such as figuring out that rain is wet or understanding that you shouldn’t divide by zero.
“In the future, we hope to create an entire ecosystem of AI assistants,” Fan explained. “One to tell the main AI to use code, another to tell it which code to use, and a third to double-check if the answer is remotely sensible. Eventually we’ll need a fourth AI just to manage the other three, and a fifth to make coffee for the researchers who are questioning their life choices.”
According to completely made-up statistics, 97.3% of AI researchers now spend their days developing systems to compensate for the stupidity of their previous systems. The remaining 2.7% have given up and gone into gardening.
In related news, humanity continues to entrust these systems with increasingly critical decisions, because apparently we haven’t watched a single sci-fi movie in the last 50 years.
