TECH BROS SHOCKED WHEN BILLION-DOLLAR AI MODELS DO EXACTLY WHAT ANYONE WITH COMMON SENSE PREDICTED
In a stunning revelation that surprised absolutely f@#king nobody except venture capitalists and Silicon Valley optimists, AI-generated child sexual abuse material is increasing at an “exponential” rate while becoming “significantly more realistic.” Who could have possibly seen this coming? Oh right, EVERYONE.
EXPERTS REACT WITH CAREFULLY CALIBRATED SURPRISE
“I am utterly shocked that when we created technology capable of generating realistic images of literally anything, some people immediately used it for the worst possible purposes,” said Dr. Obvious Hindsight, a technology ethicist who apparently slept through every single lesson from human history. “If only there had been some way to predict this entirely predictable outcome.”
According to the Internet Watch Foundation, AI-generated illegal imagery has increased by 380% in 2024, a statistic that has tech executives frantically searching for ways to say “not our fault” in 47 different languages.
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS WITH TRADEMARK DUMBASSERY
Tech companies have responded by forming a committee to address the issue, which will release its findings sometime between “the heat death of the universe” and “when hell freezes over.”
“We’re deeply concerned about this completely unforeseen consequence that literally everyone warned us about,” said Chad Moneybags, CEO of GeniusAI. “Who could have guessed that making technology capable of creating realistic images of anything might lead to… *checks notes*… realistic images of anything?”
INDUSTRY PROPOSES INNOVATIVE SOLUTION: MORE AI
In response to the crisis, leading tech companies have proposed solving the problem with, you guessed it, more f@#king AI.
“We’re developing an AI to detect the AI images created by our other AI,” explained Dr. Amanda Recursion, head of ethical computing at Tech-R-Us. “And if that doesn’t work, we’ll create another AI to monitor that AI. It’s AI all the way down, baby!”
According to made-up statistics we just invented, 98.7% of tech solutions involve creating the exact same problem but with more buzzwords.
HUMANITY COLLECTIVELY SIGHS
“I’ve been screaming about this since 2020,” said Professor Cassandra Wasright, an ethics researcher whose 47 peer-reviewed papers on potential AI harms were ignored in favor of making chatbots that can write marketing copy. “But hey, at least investors got to make a sh!tload of money before society collapsed, right?”
When reached for comment, the average Silicon Valley engineer responded, “Not my department,” before returning to coding features that will make their platform even more addictive to teenagers.
Meanwhile, 92% of tech company ethics boards remain strategically understaffed, underfunded, and conveniently ignored whenever they suggest maybe slowing down for five f@#king minutes to consider consequences.
THE SOLUTION IS CLEAR: MORE FUNDING ROUNDS
As the crisis deepens, tech companies have pledged to address the issue by raising another $500 million in venture capital, updating their website’s “Trust & Safety” page, and adding at least three new members to their “We Care About This Issue” committee, which meets bi-annually to express deep concern without taking any meaningful action.
“We remain committed to innovation,” said industry spokesperson Blake Technofuture. “And by ‘innovation,’ I mean ‘moving fast and breaking things,’ where ‘things’ includes ‘society’ and ‘basic human safety.'”
At press time, the industry was reportedly working on an AI that could generate more convincing apologies for the mess created by their previous AI.
