UK Releases 8,000-Page Report Confirming AI Might, Possibly, Maybe Destroy Us
After months of state-of-the-art research and consultation with 96 of the world’s leading AI experts—aka the same ten people who always end up discussing this—Britain has finally dropped its much-awaited International AI Safety Report. The findings? AI is very impressive, could be dangerous, but also might not be, and, frankly, no one really has a f#&$% clue.
The groundbreaking report is essentially a well-organized way of screaming “We Should Probably Pay Attention to This!” using 8,000 pages of already-known information. It warns that AI could do anything from boosting productivity to starting the apocalypse—so, you know, typical Tuesday in the tech world.
“We’ve observed significant advancements,” said Dr. Nigel Thornton, one of the lead contributors. “For example, AI can now complete complex scientific research in minutes, but also confidently tell someone that drinking bleach cures everything. It’s a mixed bag.”
One section of the report highlights the risk of AI models being used for misinformation campaigns. A stunning revelation, given that human politicians have already been handling this job flawlessly for centuries. Another section warns that AI could surpass human intelligence and begin making decisions on its own. Unconfirmed reports indicate that AI has already ghostwritten multiple government policies, explaining why they are unreadable and out of touch with reality.
Despite all these concerns, world governments are taking swift and decisive action—by creating more reports, hosting more panel discussions, and tweeting about it. Leaders insist that regulation is on the way, arriving just in time for AI to gain full consciousness and politely ask everyone to go back to writing things by hand. Meanwhile, tech billionaires continue to pump billions into AI development while simultaneously warning the public that AI progress must be slowed… just after they figure out how to squeeze out those last few trillion dollars.
“This is a wake-up call,” said Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. “We are at a turning point in history, and the UK is leading the charge on making detailed reports about that turning point.” When pressed for details on how the government would actually prevent catastrophic AI risks, Sunak responded, “We have scheduled an incredible number of meetings.”
The world now waits to see what mind-blowing conclusions next year’s 10,000-page AI report will bring. Most experts predict it will conclude that AI is still advancing, still potentially dangerous, and still not terribly interested in reading government reports.
